Where we're going, we won't need eyes to see.

There are many things that have been spinning inside my head in the past three weeks.

A week ago, we were faced with an incredibly horrifying break-in while we were sound asleep in our beds, and that consequently shook us and pumped unhealthy amounts of adrenaline into our bodies and made it painful to function in a productive fashion.

That experience aside,
I have been faced with a downpour of emotion that makes everything clearer. Every event has made more and more sense as if they were all a part of some cryptic message that I'm supposed to decode.

decoding has led me to this place where I have allowed myself to start being more focused and responsible for myself and my well-being.
This seems perhaps cut-and-dry for some, but even as I write it, it is one of the most daunting and difficult concepts to manifest in real life.

I think when you've conducted yourself a certain way for so long, and have been filling yourself and identifying yourself with a certain set of life-rules for as long as I have, there comes to be both expectations from the outside, and also expectations from within.

I have always identified myself as a steadfast lover, friend, companion, confident. I have drawn so much pride from this, that allowing myself to be absent is something that takes a strength of mind that I'm not sure I yet possess. I imagine that strengthening this part of myself is like strengthening a muscle. It takes exercise, practice, training, and discipline. This is my focus now.

I would like to imagine that my boundaries will be based fundamentally on my own feelings of comfort, happiness, and energy.
You can't draw from an empty well.
I urge myself to repeat this daily. Because how can I be a good friend, lover, partner, musician, academic, daughter, if there is nothing inside myself left to give. If I have not nurtured and paid close attention to recharging myself daily, not just once a month or quarterly.

Having been so exhausted, infuriated, upset, vulnerable, fed-up, and stressed these past few weeks, there is something to be learned. I am at an obvious fork in the road where I can either continue on a path where I listen to my old self. Where I base my truths on what my loved ones think, want, need. Where I inhale the emotions, disappointments, heartbreak, resentment of others without exhaling it, until it fills my chest and shoulders up to the brim with heavy heaviness. Or, I can take responsibility for changing these patterns, taking good care of myself, being quiet, taking baths, focusing on projects that I'm excited about, that I'm reeling from, and most importantly - not looking back for a second. This is the way in which to grow, and bloom, and change, and discover a lighter, more important part of my life. I feel that I have already chosen the route, and now I'm spending time at check-points, reminding myself that I'm on the right path, and that I'm going towards a better self, better relationships with you (the people I love), and a healthier soul.

There is something bitter-sweet about leaving baggage behind. But there is no greater benefit than feeling the weight lifted, and finally having a consistent amount of energy and time to communicate and express who I am to my full capacity. I want to love well, with genuine intentions, with a strength of character that can see more truth, and not barnacle onto something, some emotion, or someone just because it needs a host. My dad once said, " I always imagine that you're a great, majestic, lone ship in the middle of the ocean, riding the waves of life with grace and strength." (well I paraphrase, but it was something poetic like that). I would like to truly live and aspire to this statement.

Mindfulness is helping so much, and as cheesy as it sounds, I repeat this mantra every day (in my head) and it helps me reconnect with my love of life, people, and nature. I know it's not super poetic, but it helps me connect:

"May all beings dwell in their hearts.
May all beings be free of suffering.
May all beings be healed.
May all beings be at peace." - www.annlapo.com

Too Much (on Saturday?)

Well here we are...the weekend has arrived.

I'm counting on those who listen to this next track to be able to deal with the dedication it takes to love it.
Tall order? Ya, kind of. I've had people tell me to turn it off, and I've had people tell me to turn it up.

Sufjan Stevens has come a long way. His style, his lyricism, his tone, and his instrumentation (not to mention his personal life) has evolved, and you either trust him to take you on a journey with him, or you abandon him by the wayside because he hasn't taken you back to Chicago.

Personally, though I love Illinoize, Seven Swans, etc., I couldn't be more excited to go somewhere new and extra-choral, over-the-top, epic, and deliciously indulgent.
I must repeat...I love people who are not afraid to write what THEY want to hear, not what they think YOU want to hear. If I wanted to listen to something I could have thought of myself, I'd be a douche.


ENJOY: Album - Age Of Adz (2010)

Song: Too Much

original track:

Live @ Sydney Opera House:

May Songs - Dirty Projectors

Something that is a constant joy to listen to.

This whole album fills me with inspiration and awe. I'm almost at a loss for which song to choose since they are all incredible pieces of work.

Released in 2009, it hasn't lost an ounce of its freshness.

"Stillness is the Move" --- but you should just go ahead and listen to the whole album, it's got FUNK.

Spring Song Magic

These will be the songs that pull on me from my ears to my fingertips, through my veins.
They always evoke something hopeful, something uplifting, something infinite, unending in the possibility for more.
They have all been on repeat many many times.


The song of the day: Girls Lips Glitter, By BOWS

This song needs to be in headphones or plugged into your speakers. listening to this without the intent of intimacy and a journey is pointless to say the least.
Listen with wet scenery, perfect for this muggy/foggy day.


Thanks for reading (and more importantly for listening)

The Beauty of the Human Condition

Ironically, since beginning my psychology studies, I have found an immense gap between myself and my emotional, creative side. Even more curious is the way in which psychology courses are taught, and the way in which professors treat this extremely important aspect of natural science. No doubt this 'way' of presenting psychology has more to do with the fear of not being taken seriously, and God forbid being compared to such flaky social sciences as sociology. Without elaboration on that, I will say that with this lack of creativity and subjective opportunity in school, I have found that applying the concepts and theories of human experience INTO my personal life the only way of justifying what it all means. I've found psychology to be almost as daunting, complex, and overwhelming as quantum physics. I would almost go so far as to say that they are pervasively linked to one another. One of the main ideas in quantum theory is that the world of atoms and energy bares NO resemblance to the world we perceive. To me, this very idea is at the core of the most fundamental questions regarding the human mind/soul. What are we experiencing in life? How does our experience compare to the material world? Is there a material world? And even on a somewhat micro level: How can we possibly understand, reconcile, and even begin to explain the variance of our experiences and the complexity of our own minds?

Where am I going with this?
I suppose that I have come to believe that the most valuable thing about the science of psychology is the ambition behind it. To me, it reflects the best, most unique characteristics found in human nature: courage, strength, willingness to analyze and reflect, openness to the unknown. I imagine the dedicated women and men who actively try to answer these difficult questions to be blindly jumping into an abyss with no concept of where they will come out, or if they will ever come out again. This metaphor is what inspires me in my own life, and it is what attracts me to the people I have come to know and love. The beauty of the human condition is reflected in our passion and dedication and boundless courage in seeking truth, regardless of whether or not there will ever be a truth to know (and as we've found so far, there are either many varied truths, or perhaps none at all that come close to what we can understand). It always amazes me to see people living so close to the surface of their lives. I have trouble not thinking on occasion of how wasteful it is not to delve deeper when there is an ocean inside of us to explore. On the other hand, there are days I wake up and wish that it wasn't innately programmed into me to 'dive' and that I could just float for awhile and close my eyes. But the people and interactions that have most affected my life are those that remind me of the purpose. They awaken passion, and express a dedicated love of their own human experience, and a great understanding of our fleeting privilege to contemplate, debate, enjoy, and be grateful for whatever it is we have - whatever you want to name it. I live for this link between me and other souls. I believe that "the passions" are the elements that truly connect us. Without them, we're really just zombies.

* I credit my fellow seeker of truth and passionate 'lifer', Miss Amanda Merrick with both the inspiration and title for this post. She writes an incredible blog called The Covetist -
I love you my love. xo

mud (a reflection on friendship and change)

There's a place that gets sticky and ambiguous - and that place falls between love.
I know of no answer that reflects the entirety of reality - of everyone's spot. Of all the people I love and their personal, and most precious truths.

I only know my own - my limited time, my sweet sweet love for things that remain too wordless to explain.
I am responsible only for that time and it can't be thrown away out of fear of love, fear of selfishness, fear of abandon, or of abandonment. Our ethics, our souls, our knowing better, and our judgments. They die with the night and they die without purpose...
none, except to reassure the assumptions that we hold about each other and the world - the ones held onto. The ones that make it all solid and real just for a moment in time, and then, come morning, there's nothing but love left, and some regret.

some days we're hard to stomach - I can't even take my own self
- how can I carry you with me too?

there are cries that come from every place. They must be internally soothed.

truth: I have a responsibility not to judge others. And so, to not judge myself. This is the hardest thing to remember.

the time for dreaming.

Last night I had a dream that everything was melting - right in front of me. Melting and disappearing.
All of us were nomads moving away from the inevitable downpour...we were afraid of it, so we ran from it hoping that something, or someone would stop the run. Because it was truly accumulating, running like a broken dam.

There were boats that would pass us from shore. Big boats with unclear but defined older, wiser people sifting out the water and sprinkling it on us as a gift maybe...or as a warning.

"This is where we have come from. this is what's coming for you"

I passed many people I knew but their faces had changed like they had morphed quite drastically since the water and inevitability started seeping from the North and into the inhabited parts of our lives. I recognized them, I knew their essences, we nodded, acknowledged each other, and moved on.
The urge to run back to them and hug and kiss them, to connect maybe just one more time, to find someone who would tell me that this was a nightmare, that everything was being "worked out", that everything would be fine.

Because the truth is that it's everybody's fault and it's no one's fault. We're all equally to blame and we're all equally innocent.

and had I lived another life, I would have been happy just the same - but here's where the truth comes out for real. Because when I wake up, I know that these metaphors are getting closer to truths, and I know that I'm already moving, preparing, accepting, mourning...I think so many of us are. This is not in my power to deny myself - and my own instinct, and my own inner knowledge does this without my permission. It dreams, it envisions, it gives me no option but to pay attention and to listen to the earth.

sadseptembersongs, September 29th - 30th, 2010.

Hi.

here's a double sad dose for today...this rainy rainy sad day.

I hope you're all in your pajamas...


Thrown By The Bull - Old Man Luedecke.

(I know you can relate to these lyrics)
and "I've learned that world is a magical and mysterious experience if you're not that smart" a little quote from Old Man Luedecke in the beginning of this live performance, kinda makes up for how sad the whole message of his song is. =(

Thrown by the bull again.
Thrown by the bull again.
thought I had him by the horns
but he tossed me to the wind
thrown by the bull again.

Did I go where I aughtn't be?
Did I go where I aughtn't be?
you know we're all just strugglin' in our way to be free
go where I aughtn't be.

Down in the dirt again.
Down in the dirt again.
I can see my plans unraveled,
can't tell where they end.
Down in the dirt again.

This warfare will never end.
This warfare will never end.
Get a moments breath of peace, but strikes back up again.
warfare will never end.

Did I go where I aughtn't be?
Did I go where I aughtn't be?
you know we're all just strugglin' in our way to be free
go where I aughtn't be.

I'll sleep in a hollow log.
I'll sleep in a hollow log.
Cause you know I just can't stay here, when you treat me like a dog.
Sleep in a hollow log.

Do you wanna know what crazy is?
Do you wanna know what stupid is?
When you repeat the same behaviour and hope for different ends.
wanna know what crazy is.

Did I go where I aughtn't be?
Did I go where I aughtn't be?
you know we're all just strugglin' in our way to be free
go where I aughtn't be.

Would you help me stand up again?
Would you help me stand up again?
cause I just can't seem to do it, I'm just not born to win.
Help me stand up again.

Thrown by the bull again.
Thrown by the bull again.
thrown by the bull...again.



and here's another for a little extra "wah" factor...

First Aid Kit - many of my friends have already heard this, and I actually got it from a lady-friend's facebook post about a year ago.

anyway - it makes made me cry.

SadSeptemberSongs: September 28, 2010

Ironically - this song is called Happiness

It has made me cry almost every time I've listened to it...alone, with my eyes closed.

There is something to it - I think that speaks Universally. It's like a chant, or a mantra.

and it's just beautiful.

I suggest lying down, closing your eyes and listening with earphones or good speakers. The sound quality isn't fantastic, but try to listen past the quality.

Jonsi and Alex - (riceboy sleeps), "Happiness"

SadSeptemberSongs: September 27, 2010

I heard this first in an old movie (For Me and My Gal) and thought "I NEED to cover this song" - it's next on my list of songs to perform - it just does something for me...it's special.

then I found this cover by Fiona Apple, and I'm excited to share it...because I love her.

(Judy Garland does the original)

SadSeptemberSongs: September 25th and 26th, 2010

Ok, so I'm sick this weekend...and that gives me the right to once again do a two-in-one blog post of sadness.

As the month goes on and we're getting to a close, I'm finding it harder and harder to remember what made me sad in the past.
I guess that's a good thing because honestly, I never thought I'd run out of sad songs to suggest.

But there are a few that come to mind still, ones that have haunted me and continued to come up in my life from time to time.

The last time I fell in love, the circumstances were pretty grim. My "boyfriend" lived out of town and even though we saw each other quite frequently, sometimes it wasn't all roses and romance. Sometimes the fact that our lives were so separate and incompatible just gave us this horrible sadness and surges of emotion that left us both in tears. We couldn't see an out or an in to what we wanted. We were both falling in love with each other, but we had also both been through real hard times and had so many "shouldn't" thoughts running around our brains. We shouldn't rush into things. We shouldn't be impulsive. Shouldn't we be independent and work on ourselves alone? Shouldn't we take a break from relationships after so much heartbreak and hardship? etc.

I personally felt such yearning and desire and deep love that wasn't really allowed to surface. I thought that if it did, the whole relationship would explode. All the wants and needs and expectations would taint the entirety of whatever we had between us.

In retrospect, I sound like a whiny baby - but at the time it was a true, genuine, and profound sadness. Finally I had found someone who could see into my soul and there was just not too much hope that things would work in our favour.

On a few horrible occasions we had been so frustrated that we would decide to break things off. On one particular afternoon, when we decided to stop seeing eachother, I heard the song of choice for today.

In the last few hours before saying goodbye, we sat together watching "In The Basement" which is a dvd compilation of amazing artists doing live versions of their songs.

When we got to Thom Yorke's performance of "Videotape", all the above feelings spewed slowly and achingly out my eyeballs. Something I will never forget.

Thank God that's over.

This is the exact version of the song.

Videotape - by: Thom Yorke

When I'm at the pearly gates
This'll be on my videotape
My videotape
My videotape

Mephistopheles is just beneath
And he's reaching up to grab me

This is one for the good days
And I have it all here in
Red, blue, green
Red, blue, green

You are my centre when I spin away
Out of control on videotape
On videotape
On videotape
On videotape

This is my way of saying goodbye
Because I can't do it fact to face
So I'm talking to you before
No matter what happens now
I won't be afraid
Because I know
Today has been the most perfect day I have ever seen

SadSeptemberSongs: September 24, 2010

Elsiane.

Look this woman up. Her musical endeavours are refreshing and invigorating. There was this ode to the 90's in the quality of melody/electronica I first noticed when I was introduced (on facebook) a few years back. More importantly, such a seductive, and honest, and emotional pulse to all the songs.

Homegrown Montreal-styles.

Here's one that first made me feel at peace with the kind of pain that's hard to feel peace from.

SadSeptemberSongs: September 23, 2010

People who are religious sometimes can draw things out of themselves that cynical and skeptical individuals have trouble getting close to.

That's my thought.

Jeremy Enigk is a good example of this.

He expresses my "human condition" so perfectly...the desperate expression of making sense of it all...and by "it" I mean life.

I'm a big fan.

SadSeptemberSongs: September 22, 2010

BONJOUR!!!!!!

I decided today to make a little ODE to my daddy. I can thank him for all the love of music I developed in my childhood.

When I was in my early twenties, he showed me an outtake of "The Man That Got Away" performed by Judy Garland in A Star Is Born.

Many have tried to recapture the beauty, emotion, and desperation of Judy's rendition, yet, there is something particularly pure and perfect about this particular outtake.

It brought me to tears and can honestly tell you that I had nothing to be tearful about at the time...she just put me in that place where all my heart could feel was the nostalgia of lost love.

There's also this quality of an authentic moment in time being had by the musicians present. Like an old-school jazz jam. Like I'm looking in on something so intimate and magical between them. (p.s. I think my dad told me that she was dating the piano player at the time...I like that dynamic as well.)

So, here's The Man That Got Away to you from the bottom of my dad's heart and mine.

SadSeptemberSongs: September 21, 2010

Here's an old one...Dave Matthews.

Alright, it's true, I have been, and always will be a HUGE Dave Matthews fan.

I had sort of abandoned him after a few years (in terms of the amount of listening I invested in) and then watched this awesome documentary called "Go Further" starring Woody Harrelson. This was an exceptionally entertaining documentary about sustainable eating/living and it really effected me.

The brilliance and impact was magnified by the great choice of artists performing their songs to bring out some of the themes within the film. I can't for the life of me find the live song that Dave Matthews plays at the end of the film, but I have found the album version.

In any case, I sat in silence crying at the end - during the credits when Dave put his heart and soul into this last message.

The idea of nature being the womb - the earth mother - that we go back to this and envelope ourselves in how big and how beautiful that is. I just felt so much from that particular performance and there was a sadness and love emiting from it that fully seeped into my heart.

so if you're interested in the documentary, pay attention to the credits at the end and see if you feel similar. It's a great movie to watch. and it's funny and light too - not all preachy, but a little preachy.

SadSeptemberSongs: September 20, 2010

I missed an appointment this morning, woke up in a rage of shitty feelings, cried, went back to bed. Felt better, cried again, felt sorry for myself, and then cried some more.

here's a song.
It's about what I wish I could say that I can't. Sometimes even a positive love song can be interpreted as sad if it's got the right audience.

Bjork - Unison.

SadSeptemberSongs: September 19th, 2010

One of my closest friends is a ART MAGNET...he attracts great people and has a great spirit and great appreciation for all forms of creative expression. I have met some of my other best friends because of him. Back in 2006, he informed me that his very old, close friend Jennifer was playing in the Pop Montreal festival and that he thought I would like her.
The animated video for one of her tracks "Heaven" that I've posted below was my first experience of Jennifer Castle, and I was instantly captivated. I don't think I need to explain why this song is on the "sad" end of the spectrum, but I do think it's worth it to give this lady a bit of promotion.
Going to the show at Pop Montreal, with an intimate crowd of people and a small space to watch Jennifer do her thing, was one of the best live experiences I've ever had. It was enchanting, the room remained silent for an hour straight, she wrapped us all in this highly emotion-infused bubble with her and we stayed there till the end. I was expecting nothing and I received an unforgettable gift in return (pretty sure that's how it always goes). Her newest album, entitled "You Can't Take Anyone" is so full of goodness that it's hard to choose a favourite track. I recommend somehow getting a hold of that album and listening to all the tracks and then telling me which ones you like the best. Very hard to find this artist on youtube...and furthermore, it's well worth the investment in support of such a unique voice/musican/artist.

check out her myspace:

http://www.myspace.com/jennifercastlemusic

("we always change" will be the song I play at my wedding if I ever have one) xo

I mean, come ON, "I don't care about money, I don't care about time, I don't care about reason, reason don't care much for me."

how beautiful is that line?

alright so I leave you with "Heaven" and enjoy the beautiful day!

SadSeptemberSongs: September 17th and 18th, 2010

YES!
combined I SAY!

I know I'm combining two days into one, but, damn it, I've been busy and I can't always keep on top of things the way I would like.

so, there's a bunch to be said. It's been a difficult and wondrously humanizing week for me in particular. I'm always at odds with myself and I always feel like I'm a computer being upgraded. You know, when that pesky sign comes up on your computer " would you like to find upgrades now?" and then you say "remind me later" ? Well, that's like my brain, except I always answer, reboot and begin updates now. so, imagine how exhausting that can be.

In any case, I'm here to deliver you some more "sad", and with that I will leave you with two Imogen Heap songs. Let me talk to you a minute about my feelings for Imogen Heap. First of all, that NAME. I mean, seriously, what's in a name? From the moment I fell in love with FROU FROU I decided that Imogen was someone I wanted to get to know. From her blogs in putting out her latest album, I got some inside info on how dedicated to the craft of music this wonderful lady is, and now I'm a forever dedicated fan.

Beautiful, amazingly handsome, and forever quirky and charming Ms.Heap. I love you, and I feel you. You have a heart of pure gold, and you express yourself with all the responsibility and love of anyone of my bestest friends. Because I neglected yesterday, I will post a few of my fav songs. The ones that make me the most "sad"...or in Imogen's case, the most fulfilled. Her sad ones, in my opinion, are her best ones.

The Moment I Said It...(pay attention to the piano which is the reason I fell in love with the music)

love and kisses and lots of musically enjoyment. and remember, in the words of Imogen Heap..."...sleep, i promise it'll all seem better somehow, in time."



and the next is one that me and one of my most closest friends love LIVE and in the flesh Imogen doing her thing...amazing. YOU MUST SEE THIS WOMAN LIVE!!!

SadSeptemberSongs: September 16, 2010

Today might be the first day where I feel the transition from summer to fall has actually been completed.
It's good reason to be both excited, and kind of blue all at the same time.

I'm about to start into a large number of articles to read and summarize as well as a gigantic amount of writing. woot (unenthusiastically).

As I sit here in my jogging pants, it's hard for me not to wish I could just listen to my favourite sad songs all f-in day and screw my theoretical understanding of sociological concepts (contemporary or feminist). with some coffee of course and some snacks.

oh music...oh september. How you tease me and tempt me to be bad-ass.

I digress. My post today was a direct result of me being depressed when I was 23...and consequently came upon the latest (at the time) album by Rufus Wainwright. This song, lyrically and structurally completely defined how I felt at the time. In addition to expressing my feelings of regret and heaviness for what I had "...done to myself", I was burdened with the thought that life was brutally harsh and that I was fairly weak in comparison to it's natural state of constant chaos. With all these emotions floating around this particular piece, the structure and the instrumentation is brilliant in all at once reminding me of these feelings, and relieving some of the darkness from my heart and my mind. The throbbing of the keyboard, and the subtleties of fairy-like echoing inside the music transcends all the harsh reality of what he says.

And that my friends, is a true artist. Those who can pull off that magic are responsible for conserving a lot of positivity and love in people they don't even know.

blah blah blah - sounds pretentious, but you get it, right?
The only version I could find embedding for is one with lyrics (a la karaoke) so, try not to pay much attention to the visuals.

xo have a nice, lazy, contemplative evening.

SadSeptemberSongs: September 15, 2010

Hi Friendieeeeees.

alright - so to continue the post from yesterday, I will put up two versions of an amazingly sad and romantic song by an amazingly cool, not-so-alive man named Elliot Smith.

This is Between The Bars -- and it's one of my favourite songs.

The first version is by the artist himself - and the second is by an artist named Madeleine Peyroux which is the version I heard first that really gave my heart a good tugging.(how did that sound dirty to me?)
My brother introduced me to this wonderful lady. I love her voice and her style.
She does some phenomenal covers and her own songs sound like classics.