There hasn't been a moment where I've felt like getting my thoughts down into a blog. Probably because the past 6 months I've confronted "the demons of my past" so to speak, and I don't like them. It's hard to look back on myself, and my formed self-image as it relates to everything I've said, and all the choices I've made in my twenties thus far. Well, it's hard up until the part where I stop being in shitty, unhealthy relationships, and stop creating drama in every aspect of my life to distract myself from the real deal.
In all honesty, it's embarrasing to reflect on...like the morning after a bender. I have replayed my genuine emotional responses to things in the past, and I've replayed the countless selection of bad choices over and over in my mind, and even though I'm alone, and even though most people might not care or even notice those choices...I'm still embarassed.
I've had a very late start of it, and I am grateful to be here now, but I still mourn the loss of many years of confidence, productivity, and health that I could have cultivated earlier. I know many people learn even later than me, and I know I'm by no means done with learning...but I can't help but feel an enormous amount of guilt for not seeing the patterns sooner...for not hearing myself screaming at me when I was 20, 21, 23, and 26 years old.
Part of my ongoing guilt stems from the massive role my parents play in my becoming. Part of it stems from this new found excitement and love that I have for what I'm trying to do in my life, and the wounds that I've given myself never fully healing...
they are always reminding me of where I've come from...and how I could have prevented them.
If I would have been 21, 23, 26 years old and writing this blog - I would be embarrased to read it now...
The more I read sociological theory, and specifically Symbolic Interaction Theory - the more I reflect on the importance other people have played in my identity. And God knows, my entire life I have been someone who wants to connect...
Maybe this is because I felt so lonely growing up...so strange and so isolated in my head and my heart. My parents did nothing but remind me of how amazing it was to be me...how absolutely special and unique I was...but it didn't take away that feeling that as special as I was, no one was like me...no one felt like me...no one thought like me...
and so I consciously, VERY consciously set out to connect with people...almost like a religious faith. I believed that it was impossible that nobody felt things the way I did, or experienced the world like me, and I was right. I waited my whole childhood to be an adult, and I don't miss my childhood like so many other people do. I wanted freedom of thought, of speech, of action --- I romanticized it so much because I wanted to see the world in the way that I imagined it. I wanted people to be my lovers, my kindred spirits...I wanted to be assured that who I was could be embraced because we are all the same.
and my conclusion up until now is that we are. I'm lucky that I wasn't born with the ability to have much anger or hate or resentment. It's not because my parents didn't have anything to do with it - and it's not to say that I don't feel these things at all...but I can't live in it, and that, I think, is just pure luck. I think it's easy to, from what I've seen in my life and my relationships.
I think it's easy to be so afraid and so alone and so unsure that you end up drowning in it.
I have said before that I'm grateful for what I have...but it's in relations to what I've been through, not just the opportunities and the luck. They play such a huge part in things, but so does my embarrasing past of following around a man that doesn't love me over and over again...ignoring my body and my disease and soaking all my insecurities in bars and drinks and smiles...distracting myself from my own passions, hiding in other people's relationships and feelings and needs...even in their music, punishing myself for being this weak person instead of changing it...and labeling myself as the victim of shitty circumstance instead of realizing that it was all my own doing from the start.
How hard is it to write these feelings down...to own the guilt of your own life...to forgive yourself so that you can love fully and be loved fully...so that your parents might really get to see you happy and healthy and maybe they will even get to see your babies...
I haven't wanted to write because I've been trying to figure out a way to let it go.
but, I think, sitting with Ben in the car on the way to Montreal one beautiful day last year, I finally started to see that you can't really let those things go.
I think it's an ongoing process of forgiving and evolving...to remember that I wasn't the person I wanted to be even a year ago, reminds me of who I am now.
There feelings of guilt and regret are actually feelings that help me make the right decisions and I guess that those things that I felt...the late night under the blankets on the phone with Chris asking him why I can't be happy...the screaming and yelling and door slamming between my bestfriend and I where I felt like my heart was exploding and the whole world would end...the day I couldn't get out of bed, lost time, and woke up with my head on my mother's lap...the moments where I pondered whether or not I would ever be able to be truly independent and alone, the countless pills I took to feel better in a relationship that just needed to end, dropping out of school time and time again, keeping all these things from the people who love me the most and want to help me the most...
I can't be without them. I have to carry them around...and I suppose that it's my own choice how much weight they put on me.
Getting back to sociology - there is this theory that our entire self-awareness comes from the interactions we have socially...and in this respect, I see that the weight is lifted and carried by the people in my life who have decided to know me for all of these things, and who love me anyway...
we do this for each other. This carrying of the burden of wounds, and history, and experience. We do it by constantly confirming to each other that we are the same, and that essentially, we get to the present moment only from the moments of the past.
anyway - there is so much more to be said. But I felt like it was time to get this all out.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
The readily available gifts of the everyday
I watch.
It's fascinating what people will do in public.
hold themselves and each other
shamelessly.
tighten their faces and then smile
blushing.
open their palms,
take money from me,
thank me,
love me,
or judge me.
Everything becomes personal,
and lies beautifully revealed.
There is nothing that is not graphic in nature
and nothing that does not hold time still,
while these sounds, visions, and breaths,
heave and sway,
and form in the stillness of our one dimension.
and parts that I would like to share are inexplicable.
and parts that I would rather forget come back
and back again,
to make more space for the texture and taste of
fine wine,
early morning coffee,
cigarettes,
and you.
My ever extending ego
lives
in this sea of bliss.
and you ask me for time
and ideas
and advice.
you ask me how to find pleasure in such a horrible space.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
the continuation of new..
and so - on the day after inspiration, I'm feeling slightly less inspired and writing solely to keep inspiration high.
I'm writing a research midterm tomorrow and that should be at the forefront of my mind but instead I woke up with these super stress pains in my shoulders, made coffee, took an atavan, and decided that even with my studying, today will be a creative day.
Is it too long to write 3000 words on a blog? Is it? Doesn't the meaning behind what you write (despite WHERE it goes and who is reading it ) matter most? I have thought about it long and hard, and my post on body image is something I'm proud of. I'm proud because it took grueling hours to write it, it made me be honest about things that I cover with a veil of strength and defenses. It made me look into myself and try and find the true nature of how I feel in regards to men and women as a heterosexual woman born in the 80's. On top of all of this, my brother helped me to see the objectivity in the subject and bring out an "out of body" Jess to criticize myself and to figure out how to approach such a heated topic in a fair and sympathetic manner. He pushed me to let go of my ego in order to really truly write something that goes beyond just an experience (which is something I hold in high value).
So I lay in bed last night wondering if this was a self-indulgent post. I wondered if maybe this whole topic is too far gone to discuss, or to show, or to have discourse. And I think that maybe a woman's experience with her body is too diseased in a way to really get the right kind of motion forward. My own is pretty scarred and damaged, and I can't imagine why there would be so much need for defenses otherwise.
I think that many women decide that to fight the idea of "body image" in our society, we will adopt another gender's strength in order to fight against our insecure selves. Instead of being vulnerable, de-victimizing by reconstructing, and instead of having conversations we have been avoiding, we would rather just join the club. Laugh when our feelings get hurt, martyr our values and what we know is wrong or unhealthy in order to "keep the peace"....
But just like I said in the 3000 word epic blog posting on CuntLove...I strongly believe that the connections between our so-called polar opposite genders can be found beyond these constructed ideals of what our bodies should be. If we let ourselves be vulnerable, and let ourselves be honest, if we do it without defense and give our stories and our passions to others, there begins a whole new connection that goes beyond difference, or blame, or insecurity. I think that having an imagination to communicate and look beyond what you see infront of you and create a new dialogue with people you are scared to address is a way to connect. If you do this with love, and with personal truth in mind, I don't believe that anything bad can happen.
I don't want to write further on this topic. I think I am at peace with my own beliefs. But I encourage any one of my male and female friends to seriously think about what goes on in the spaces between conversation, between touches, between glances, and try and define it for yourself and communicate it with passion. I think if we can all try and do that thing, that poetic and mysterious in between thing, our connections will get stronger, and much of what has been lost will be regained.
I'm writing a research midterm tomorrow and that should be at the forefront of my mind but instead I woke up with these super stress pains in my shoulders, made coffee, took an atavan, and decided that even with my studying, today will be a creative day.
Is it too long to write 3000 words on a blog? Is it? Doesn't the meaning behind what you write (despite WHERE it goes and who is reading it ) matter most? I have thought about it long and hard, and my post on body image is something I'm proud of. I'm proud because it took grueling hours to write it, it made me be honest about things that I cover with a veil of strength and defenses. It made me look into myself and try and find the true nature of how I feel in regards to men and women as a heterosexual woman born in the 80's. On top of all of this, my brother helped me to see the objectivity in the subject and bring out an "out of body" Jess to criticize myself and to figure out how to approach such a heated topic in a fair and sympathetic manner. He pushed me to let go of my ego in order to really truly write something that goes beyond just an experience (which is something I hold in high value).
So I lay in bed last night wondering if this was a self-indulgent post. I wondered if maybe this whole topic is too far gone to discuss, or to show, or to have discourse. And I think that maybe a woman's experience with her body is too diseased in a way to really get the right kind of motion forward. My own is pretty scarred and damaged, and I can't imagine why there would be so much need for defenses otherwise.
I think that many women decide that to fight the idea of "body image" in our society, we will adopt another gender's strength in order to fight against our insecure selves. Instead of being vulnerable, de-victimizing by reconstructing, and instead of having conversations we have been avoiding, we would rather just join the club. Laugh when our feelings get hurt, martyr our values and what we know is wrong or unhealthy in order to "keep the peace"....
But just like I said in the 3000 word epic blog posting on CuntLove...I strongly believe that the connections between our so-called polar opposite genders can be found beyond these constructed ideals of what our bodies should be. If we let ourselves be vulnerable, and let ourselves be honest, if we do it without defense and give our stories and our passions to others, there begins a whole new connection that goes beyond difference, or blame, or insecurity. I think that having an imagination to communicate and look beyond what you see infront of you and create a new dialogue with people you are scared to address is a way to connect. If you do this with love, and with personal truth in mind, I don't believe that anything bad can happen.
I don't want to write further on this topic. I think I am at peace with my own beliefs. But I encourage any one of my male and female friends to seriously think about what goes on in the spaces between conversation, between touches, between glances, and try and define it for yourself and communicate it with passion. I think if we can all try and do that thing, that poetic and mysterious in between thing, our connections will get stronger, and much of what has been lost will be regained.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
A new (or not so new) idea...
I'm at Shaika today - Naze put on the new Imogen Heap and it's perfect for this morning...
I went to see Natsumi downtown last night and we had the most inspiring conversation. We talked about university, school and learning, teaching, passion, music, sociology...it was really an endless flow of all consuming light and life.
I realize that most of how I describe life seems flaky and "out there". But really, this is how I feel about my interactions. Isn't that amazing? It's so exciting to have conversations with incredible, passionate, and creative people who are equally open to new ideas and seeing the greatness in a array of unconventional possibilities within our limited amount of time in human culture and existence.
The thing that has been all-consuming lately has been this idea that we should be inspiring each other. Helping each other feel and imagine and get excited about our ideas and build on them. Isn't that such a huge part of change and a huge part of growth?
I feel like it ties into the whole Obama deal. This idea that we need something tactile...something material, something produced that we can quantify in order to put value on it, instead of acknowledging the importance and value of inspiration and passion. Instead of acknowledging the value of spreading that all over the place. The way in which we mindlessly put shit into the world - either in thought or in material - seems so easy...so overwhelming to fight against. But then we have this man who has an entire campaign that fights against SHIT...wow, why doesn't he deserve a fucking prize???
because you can't see it with your eyes?
people saw it through tears of joy. and even more importantly than seeing it; they felt it.
and this is what I think is most important right now. Spreading hope, and love, and passion for things that bring out our good nature...things that are earthly - things that extend possibilities. we need to bring out each others sensitivity - bring out each others experiences and value and spread it around like a disease.
It's this ongoing thing that keeps coming up in all these conversations - all year. I am truly inspired by it. We have to keep the ideas coming - we have to encourage each other...
Last night with Natsumi - my cheeks hurt from smiling. I want to keep that feeling going. In a time on the planet where nothing is for sure, stable, and we are losing so much everyday...I'm so grateful to get pieces of someone's SOUL when I speak to them, and to in turn, give them pieces of mine.
It's a gift.
I went to see Natsumi downtown last night and we had the most inspiring conversation. We talked about university, school and learning, teaching, passion, music, sociology...it was really an endless flow of all consuming light and life.
I realize that most of how I describe life seems flaky and "out there". But really, this is how I feel about my interactions. Isn't that amazing? It's so exciting to have conversations with incredible, passionate, and creative people who are equally open to new ideas and seeing the greatness in a array of unconventional possibilities within our limited amount of time in human culture and existence.
The thing that has been all-consuming lately has been this idea that we should be inspiring each other. Helping each other feel and imagine and get excited about our ideas and build on them. Isn't that such a huge part of change and a huge part of growth?
I feel like it ties into the whole Obama deal. This idea that we need something tactile...something material, something produced that we can quantify in order to put value on it, instead of acknowledging the importance and value of inspiration and passion. Instead of acknowledging the value of spreading that all over the place. The way in which we mindlessly put shit into the world - either in thought or in material - seems so easy...so overwhelming to fight against. But then we have this man who has an entire campaign that fights against SHIT...wow, why doesn't he deserve a fucking prize???
because you can't see it with your eyes?
people saw it through tears of joy. and even more importantly than seeing it; they felt it.
and this is what I think is most important right now. Spreading hope, and love, and passion for things that bring out our good nature...things that are earthly - things that extend possibilities. we need to bring out each others sensitivity - bring out each others experiences and value and spread it around like a disease.
It's this ongoing thing that keeps coming up in all these conversations - all year. I am truly inspired by it. We have to keep the ideas coming - we have to encourage each other...
Last night with Natsumi - my cheeks hurt from smiling. I want to keep that feeling going. In a time on the planet where nothing is for sure, stable, and we are losing so much everyday...I'm so grateful to get pieces of someone's SOUL when I speak to them, and to in turn, give them pieces of mine.
It's a gift.
Friday, October 16, 2009
some great grand news...
Are there ever times in your life when you realize a couple of important things all at once and kinda feel bitter-sweet about it?
about 6 years ago, an old landlord of mine came up with this brilliant idea that when I left her old, ratty apartment, I also left about 700 dollars worth of damages with it. It's just simply a ridiculous accusation that I hardly paid any attention to except to return to her a registered letter proving my innocence (minus the screen that my kittens might have scratched...that costs about 20$ to replace)
so that was that. Didn't hear from her again for 3 years, and then one fine morning I went to my mailbox only to find another threatening letter in the mail saying miraculously - and without my knowledge there had been a court date that I had not attended, and that I was now in EVEN BIGGER trouble than before.
Again, another tactic to make me feel like I did something wrong when I didn't. My question to Miss.Leah is WHY? why, if I genuinely thought that I was innocent would I pay you 700$ unless someone from the government forced me to pay you (in which case I would take JAIL over you getting a penny of my good-karma, very scarce paper money stuff).
and my other question is WHY? why are you facebook stalking me and sending me yet another threatening letter SIX YEARS LATER!!!
It's clearly not because you think you have a right, if you did you might have tried doing it the correct way and notifying the "criminal" (that's me) properly so they could have a chance to defend themselves.
anyhooooooo
This has been plaguing me for years. Wondering if Leah is lurking around the corner trying to scare me with her bitter take on life and her monstrous impression of who I am.
I had a couple of thoughts. Bullies - being not those who wait for you after school in the soccer field, just tapping their toes, heavy with anticipation that you will somehow be proven horrific, wrong, shamed in some way, are more the universal version of bitterness that is expressed towards other social interactions instead of being an expression of abuse that they internalize. Leah is a bully - and I gotta just ignore the crap out of her, cause it shows such a sad sad life: older woman stalks young former tenant on facebook, desperate for some satisfaction and supposed "justice". Six years later, she still has nothing to show for years of "I'll show her who's boss!" obsession.
I also came to the conclusion that it is of top priority to me to ensure that I am always being as positive an influence on people I am in contact with as I can be. Not to say I don't yell at my boyfriend out of nowhere and then profusely apologize after, but, in every day life. I want to make sure that what I bring is not a law suit...but a LOVE SUIT...hehe just kidding...I just had to go there for SNL sake.
no I'd like to bring warmth and understanding and love into the world. I have to reject those who seek to destroy that. Ignore, move forward. Wish them the best - hope that they get their heads eventually screwed on properly so that they are able to see the best in people, not the worst.
about 6 years ago, an old landlord of mine came up with this brilliant idea that when I left her old, ratty apartment, I also left about 700 dollars worth of damages with it. It's just simply a ridiculous accusation that I hardly paid any attention to except to return to her a registered letter proving my innocence (minus the screen that my kittens might have scratched...that costs about 20$ to replace)
so that was that. Didn't hear from her again for 3 years, and then one fine morning I went to my mailbox only to find another threatening letter in the mail saying miraculously - and without my knowledge there had been a court date that I had not attended, and that I was now in EVEN BIGGER trouble than before.
Again, another tactic to make me feel like I did something wrong when I didn't. My question to Miss.Leah is WHY? why, if I genuinely thought that I was innocent would I pay you 700$ unless someone from the government forced me to pay you (in which case I would take JAIL over you getting a penny of my good-karma, very scarce paper money stuff).
and my other question is WHY? why are you facebook stalking me and sending me yet another threatening letter SIX YEARS LATER!!!
It's clearly not because you think you have a right, if you did you might have tried doing it the correct way and notifying the "criminal" (that's me) properly so they could have a chance to defend themselves.
anyhooooooo
This has been plaguing me for years. Wondering if Leah is lurking around the corner trying to scare me with her bitter take on life and her monstrous impression of who I am.
I had a couple of thoughts. Bullies - being not those who wait for you after school in the soccer field, just tapping their toes, heavy with anticipation that you will somehow be proven horrific, wrong, shamed in some way, are more the universal version of bitterness that is expressed towards other social interactions instead of being an expression of abuse that they internalize. Leah is a bully - and I gotta just ignore the crap out of her, cause it shows such a sad sad life: older woman stalks young former tenant on facebook, desperate for some satisfaction and supposed "justice". Six years later, she still has nothing to show for years of "I'll show her who's boss!" obsession.
I also came to the conclusion that it is of top priority to me to ensure that I am always being as positive an influence on people I am in contact with as I can be. Not to say I don't yell at my boyfriend out of nowhere and then profusely apologize after, but, in every day life. I want to make sure that what I bring is not a law suit...but a LOVE SUIT...hehe just kidding...I just had to go there for SNL sake.
no I'd like to bring warmth and understanding and love into the world. I have to reject those who seek to destroy that. Ignore, move forward. Wish them the best - hope that they get their heads eventually screwed on properly so that they are able to see the best in people, not the worst.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
my use of the word...
So, I'm in Ottawa, and when I'm here I spend a whole lot of extra time listening to the radio. Yesterday morning I happen to come upon an interview with Tom Waitts and he said something that I'm pretty sure was for me directly...he said (and I may have a few words wrong here):
"I don't think truth should be a word that we use. I think truth should always have an 's' at the end." Tom Waitts (on CBC radio)
of course there was more to this. But those few sentences had a huge impact on me. Considering what I've named my blog page, you might have come to realize that I have an attachment to the word. And that abiding by my definition of what that means is in itself a crisis, but dealing with the very abstract nature of the concept on it's own is a whole new crisis that I never thought really mattered to me. I mean, who cares what it actually means...I'm using it the way it feels right to me, so that's all that should matter.
However, the other day my brother started correcting an article I'm writing for Olga's really neat blog called Cuntlove (http://cuntlove.wordpress.com), and I used this term in a way that really made me think I've been taking advantage of it. My brother said something along the lines of what Tom Waitts said. Something like, truth is a loaded word. and it is...but I guess I feel so comfortable with it on my own terms, that I don't really think about what it means to other people when I'm writing.
Just something to think about I guess. My truth means something to me. Maybe I need to make it clear from now on, in all my posts, if you see the word "truth" (which I'm sure you will), let it mean whatever you want it to, and I'll do the same. I will try not to use it in ways that keep it from being abstract.
"I don't think truth should be a word that we use. I think truth should always have an 's' at the end." Tom Waitts (on CBC radio)
of course there was more to this. But those few sentences had a huge impact on me. Considering what I've named my blog page, you might have come to realize that I have an attachment to the word. And that abiding by my definition of what that means is in itself a crisis, but dealing with the very abstract nature of the concept on it's own is a whole new crisis that I never thought really mattered to me. I mean, who cares what it actually means...I'm using it the way it feels right to me, so that's all that should matter.
However, the other day my brother started correcting an article I'm writing for Olga's really neat blog called Cuntlove (http://cuntlove.wordpress.com), and I used this term in a way that really made me think I've been taking advantage of it. My brother said something along the lines of what Tom Waitts said. Something like, truth is a loaded word. and it is...but I guess I feel so comfortable with it on my own terms, that I don't really think about what it means to other people when I'm writing.
Just something to think about I guess. My truth means something to me. Maybe I need to make it clear from now on, in all my posts, if you see the word "truth" (which I'm sure you will), let it mean whatever you want it to, and I'll do the same. I will try not to use it in ways that keep it from being abstract.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
settling.
Although I love the idea of honesty - I do not practice it daily.Truth and honesty - might be two very different ideas.
one is a practice, and one is a thing.
so - i believe in truth, but do not live with honesty.
There are so many factors and excuses and reasons why. I try to keep truth internal, but it makes honesty in everyday life even more difficult. to be aware that you are not saying EVERYTHING, not reveiling all...
my Nanny use to say "you should always tell the truth, but you don't always have to tell everything"
I need to practice this. But people expect that I will be forever open, that I have minimal secrets, that I want everyone to know most things about me.
I don't think that's true for anyone, and if it is true...probably more so for those who keep their lives and thoughts mostly hidden. Probably as some cathartic release that they hope will make themfeel better in some way.
As time passes, and in the past year or so, I have seen that I have no obligations to anyone. My obligations lie in passions, and love. the kind of love that is not asking, or WANTING, or NEEDING validation...the kind that is just there. The kind that I should be grateful for, andthat I can't quantify.
I have tried to practice truth and honesty in these ways - but naturally circumstances in life have come up where someone's feelings are at stake...where telling the truth might not be the best way - because when it comes to a personal matter...I'm not sure people can really handle any REAL amount of honesty. And the times that I've tried to do so often just leaves someone feeling attacked, or hurt, or confused.
When you build relationships with people, they come to trust the safety of your support and your words. They want truth in theory - but WE as sensitive people can't really handle other people's feelings in a negative way...especially when it has to do with US. People who can do this I think are VERY strong in character and very intelligent.
I think it's valid to not want brutal honesty, but it's not always possible.
Yesterday I thought about people who think that having a long-term relationship,being healthy, wanting a family, and practicing some self-control are simply settling for whats easy.I thought about how I am the most impulsive person I know...and I am not sure those who know me are aware of that. it has gotten me into some insane situations. Then I thought about how all my bad relationships were because I didn't like myself or value myself that much. I thought about those relationships and how the person never came into it thinking I was WORTH as much as I was worth. I liked it at the time, because I couldn't handle someone actually KNOWING me for me,and loving me that way. It seemed ridiculous and impossible - and so I made sure I never had to deal with that and when I did have to deal with that, I didn't much respect the guy because I thought he was crazy or wrong about his feelings...and didn't have a clue.
so yesterday - I realized that being with someone who loves you, who gets you,who gets along with you and makes you CALM and HAPPY - is actually a reflection of how you feel about yourself. And I don't expect people to understand this, or to not have specs of cynicism if they themselves do not feel good about themselves and have not yet let themselves be loved in this way.
It's part of a learning process to be in a functional relationship - and these are the revelations I wish to continue having with or without a relationship.
I know they are not revolutionary - I'm sure books and books have been written on the topic,but for me to come upon it on my own means something...to me.
Truth within is more important to me than honesty outside myself. I do not feel that I owe anything or any explanations that I don't wish to share. But I also do not want to compromise myself by hiding how I feel about things, situations, people.
I want to be a part of a good energy. At the cost of obligation and responsibility, I want to make sure that I am being true to what I love and what makes me feel passion, and what keeps me calm and happy, without thinking about how other people feel.
This has been easier and easier in the past few years. Thankfully.
one is a practice, and one is a thing.
so - i believe in truth, but do not live with honesty.
There are so many factors and excuses and reasons why. I try to keep truth internal, but it makes honesty in everyday life even more difficult. to be aware that you are not saying EVERYTHING, not reveiling all...
my Nanny use to say "you should always tell the truth, but you don't always have to tell everything"
I need to practice this. But people expect that I will be forever open, that I have minimal secrets, that I want everyone to know most things about me.
I don't think that's true for anyone, and if it is true...probably more so for those who keep their lives and thoughts mostly hidden. Probably as some cathartic release that they hope will make themfeel better in some way.
As time passes, and in the past year or so, I have seen that I have no obligations to anyone. My obligations lie in passions, and love. the kind of love that is not asking, or WANTING, or NEEDING validation...the kind that is just there. The kind that I should be grateful for, andthat I can't quantify.
I have tried to practice truth and honesty in these ways - but naturally circumstances in life have come up where someone's feelings are at stake...where telling the truth might not be the best way - because when it comes to a personal matter...I'm not sure people can really handle any REAL amount of honesty. And the times that I've tried to do so often just leaves someone feeling attacked, or hurt, or confused.
When you build relationships with people, they come to trust the safety of your support and your words. They want truth in theory - but WE as sensitive people can't really handle other people's feelings in a negative way...especially when it has to do with US. People who can do this I think are VERY strong in character and very intelligent.
I think it's valid to not want brutal honesty, but it's not always possible.
Yesterday I thought about people who think that having a long-term relationship,being healthy, wanting a family, and practicing some self-control are simply settling for whats easy.I thought about how I am the most impulsive person I know...and I am not sure those who know me are aware of that. it has gotten me into some insane situations. Then I thought about how all my bad relationships were because I didn't like myself or value myself that much. I thought about those relationships and how the person never came into it thinking I was WORTH as much as I was worth. I liked it at the time, because I couldn't handle someone actually KNOWING me for me,and loving me that way. It seemed ridiculous and impossible - and so I made sure I never had to deal with that and when I did have to deal with that, I didn't much respect the guy because I thought he was crazy or wrong about his feelings...and didn't have a clue.
so yesterday - I realized that being with someone who loves you, who gets you,who gets along with you and makes you CALM and HAPPY - is actually a reflection of how you feel about yourself. And I don't expect people to understand this, or to not have specs of cynicism if they themselves do not feel good about themselves and have not yet let themselves be loved in this way.
It's part of a learning process to be in a functional relationship - and these are the revelations I wish to continue having with or without a relationship.
I know they are not revolutionary - I'm sure books and books have been written on the topic,but for me to come upon it on my own means something...to me.
Truth within is more important to me than honesty outside myself. I do not feel that I owe anything or any explanations that I don't wish to share. But I also do not want to compromise myself by hiding how I feel about things, situations, people.
I want to be a part of a good energy. At the cost of obligation and responsibility, I want to make sure that I am being true to what I love and what makes me feel passion, and what keeps me calm and happy, without thinking about how other people feel.
This has been easier and easier in the past few years. Thankfully.
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