mud (a reflection on friendship and change)

There's a place that gets sticky and ambiguous - and that place falls between love.
I know of no answer that reflects the entirety of reality - of everyone's spot. Of all the people I love and their personal, and most precious truths.

I only know my own - my limited time, my sweet sweet love for things that remain too wordless to explain.
I am responsible only for that time and it can't be thrown away out of fear of love, fear of selfishness, fear of abandon, or of abandonment. Our ethics, our souls, our knowing better, and our judgments. They die with the night and they die without purpose...
none, except to reassure the assumptions that we hold about each other and the world - the ones held onto. The ones that make it all solid and real just for a moment in time, and then, come morning, there's nothing but love left, and some regret.

some days we're hard to stomach - I can't even take my own self
- how can I carry you with me too?

there are cries that come from every place. They must be internally soothed.

truth: I have a responsibility not to judge others. And so, to not judge myself. This is the hardest thing to remember.

the time for dreaming.

Last night I had a dream that everything was melting - right in front of me. Melting and disappearing.
All of us were nomads moving away from the inevitable downpour...we were afraid of it, so we ran from it hoping that something, or someone would stop the run. Because it was truly accumulating, running like a broken dam.

There were boats that would pass us from shore. Big boats with unclear but defined older, wiser people sifting out the water and sprinkling it on us as a gift maybe...or as a warning.

"This is where we have come from. this is what's coming for you"

I passed many people I knew but their faces had changed like they had morphed quite drastically since the water and inevitability started seeping from the North and into the inhabited parts of our lives. I recognized them, I knew their essences, we nodded, acknowledged each other, and moved on.
The urge to run back to them and hug and kiss them, to connect maybe just one more time, to find someone who would tell me that this was a nightmare, that everything was being "worked out", that everything would be fine.

Because the truth is that it's everybody's fault and it's no one's fault. We're all equally to blame and we're all equally innocent.

and had I lived another life, I would have been happy just the same - but here's where the truth comes out for real. Because when I wake up, I know that these metaphors are getting closer to truths, and I know that I'm already moving, preparing, accepting, mourning...I think so many of us are. This is not in my power to deny myself - and my own instinct, and my own inner knowledge does this without my permission. It dreams, it envisions, it gives me no option but to pay attention and to listen to the earth.

sadseptembersongs, September 29th - 30th, 2010.

Hi.

here's a double sad dose for today...this rainy rainy sad day.

I hope you're all in your pajamas...


Thrown By The Bull - Old Man Luedecke.

(I know you can relate to these lyrics)
and "I've learned that world is a magical and mysterious experience if you're not that smart" a little quote from Old Man Luedecke in the beginning of this live performance, kinda makes up for how sad the whole message of his song is. =(

Thrown by the bull again.
Thrown by the bull again.
thought I had him by the horns
but he tossed me to the wind
thrown by the bull again.

Did I go where I aughtn't be?
Did I go where I aughtn't be?
you know we're all just strugglin' in our way to be free
go where I aughtn't be.

Down in the dirt again.
Down in the dirt again.
I can see my plans unraveled,
can't tell where they end.
Down in the dirt again.

This warfare will never end.
This warfare will never end.
Get a moments breath of peace, but strikes back up again.
warfare will never end.

Did I go where I aughtn't be?
Did I go where I aughtn't be?
you know we're all just strugglin' in our way to be free
go where I aughtn't be.

I'll sleep in a hollow log.
I'll sleep in a hollow log.
Cause you know I just can't stay here, when you treat me like a dog.
Sleep in a hollow log.

Do you wanna know what crazy is?
Do you wanna know what stupid is?
When you repeat the same behaviour and hope for different ends.
wanna know what crazy is.

Did I go where I aughtn't be?
Did I go where I aughtn't be?
you know we're all just strugglin' in our way to be free
go where I aughtn't be.

Would you help me stand up again?
Would you help me stand up again?
cause I just can't seem to do it, I'm just not born to win.
Help me stand up again.

Thrown by the bull again.
Thrown by the bull again.
thrown by the bull...again.



and here's another for a little extra "wah" factor...

First Aid Kit - many of my friends have already heard this, and I actually got it from a lady-friend's facebook post about a year ago.

anyway - it makes made me cry.

SadSeptemberSongs: September 28, 2010

Ironically - this song is called Happiness

It has made me cry almost every time I've listened to it...alone, with my eyes closed.

There is something to it - I think that speaks Universally. It's like a chant, or a mantra.

and it's just beautiful.

I suggest lying down, closing your eyes and listening with earphones or good speakers. The sound quality isn't fantastic, but try to listen past the quality.

Jonsi and Alex - (riceboy sleeps), "Happiness"

SadSeptemberSongs: September 27, 2010

I heard this first in an old movie (For Me and My Gal) and thought "I NEED to cover this song" - it's next on my list of songs to perform - it just does something for me...it's special.

then I found this cover by Fiona Apple, and I'm excited to share it...because I love her.

(Judy Garland does the original)

SadSeptemberSongs: September 25th and 26th, 2010

Ok, so I'm sick this weekend...and that gives me the right to once again do a two-in-one blog post of sadness.

As the month goes on and we're getting to a close, I'm finding it harder and harder to remember what made me sad in the past.
I guess that's a good thing because honestly, I never thought I'd run out of sad songs to suggest.

But there are a few that come to mind still, ones that have haunted me and continued to come up in my life from time to time.

The last time I fell in love, the circumstances were pretty grim. My "boyfriend" lived out of town and even though we saw each other quite frequently, sometimes it wasn't all roses and romance. Sometimes the fact that our lives were so separate and incompatible just gave us this horrible sadness and surges of emotion that left us both in tears. We couldn't see an out or an in to what we wanted. We were both falling in love with each other, but we had also both been through real hard times and had so many "shouldn't" thoughts running around our brains. We shouldn't rush into things. We shouldn't be impulsive. Shouldn't we be independent and work on ourselves alone? Shouldn't we take a break from relationships after so much heartbreak and hardship? etc.

I personally felt such yearning and desire and deep love that wasn't really allowed to surface. I thought that if it did, the whole relationship would explode. All the wants and needs and expectations would taint the entirety of whatever we had between us.

In retrospect, I sound like a whiny baby - but at the time it was a true, genuine, and profound sadness. Finally I had found someone who could see into my soul and there was just not too much hope that things would work in our favour.

On a few horrible occasions we had been so frustrated that we would decide to break things off. On one particular afternoon, when we decided to stop seeing eachother, I heard the song of choice for today.

In the last few hours before saying goodbye, we sat together watching "In The Basement" which is a dvd compilation of amazing artists doing live versions of their songs.

When we got to Thom Yorke's performance of "Videotape", all the above feelings spewed slowly and achingly out my eyeballs. Something I will never forget.

Thank God that's over.

This is the exact version of the song.

Videotape - by: Thom Yorke

When I'm at the pearly gates
This'll be on my videotape
My videotape
My videotape

Mephistopheles is just beneath
And he's reaching up to grab me

This is one for the good days
And I have it all here in
Red, blue, green
Red, blue, green

You are my centre when I spin away
Out of control on videotape
On videotape
On videotape
On videotape

This is my way of saying goodbye
Because I can't do it fact to face
So I'm talking to you before
No matter what happens now
I won't be afraid
Because I know
Today has been the most perfect day I have ever seen

SadSeptemberSongs: September 24, 2010

Elsiane.

Look this woman up. Her musical endeavours are refreshing and invigorating. There was this ode to the 90's in the quality of melody/electronica I first noticed when I was introduced (on facebook) a few years back. More importantly, such a seductive, and honest, and emotional pulse to all the songs.

Homegrown Montreal-styles.

Here's one that first made me feel at peace with the kind of pain that's hard to feel peace from.