Where we're going, we won't need eyes to see.

There are many things that have been spinning inside my head in the past three weeks.

A week ago, we were faced with an incredibly horrifying break-in while we were sound asleep in our beds, and that consequently shook us and pumped unhealthy amounts of adrenaline into our bodies and made it painful to function in a productive fashion.

That experience aside,
I have been faced with a downpour of emotion that makes everything clearer. Every event has made more and more sense as if they were all a part of some cryptic message that I'm supposed to decode.

decoding has led me to this place where I have allowed myself to start being more focused and responsible for myself and my well-being.
This seems perhaps cut-and-dry for some, but even as I write it, it is one of the most daunting and difficult concepts to manifest in real life.

I think when you've conducted yourself a certain way for so long, and have been filling yourself and identifying yourself with a certain set of life-rules for as long as I have, there comes to be both expectations from the outside, and also expectations from within.

I have always identified myself as a steadfast lover, friend, companion, confident. I have drawn so much pride from this, that allowing myself to be absent is something that takes a strength of mind that I'm not sure I yet possess. I imagine that strengthening this part of myself is like strengthening a muscle. It takes exercise, practice, training, and discipline. This is my focus now.

I would like to imagine that my boundaries will be based fundamentally on my own feelings of comfort, happiness, and energy.
You can't draw from an empty well.
I urge myself to repeat this daily. Because how can I be a good friend, lover, partner, musician, academic, daughter, if there is nothing inside myself left to give. If I have not nurtured and paid close attention to recharging myself daily, not just once a month or quarterly.

Having been so exhausted, infuriated, upset, vulnerable, fed-up, and stressed these past few weeks, there is something to be learned. I am at an obvious fork in the road where I can either continue on a path where I listen to my old self. Where I base my truths on what my loved ones think, want, need. Where I inhale the emotions, disappointments, heartbreak, resentment of others without exhaling it, until it fills my chest and shoulders up to the brim with heavy heaviness. Or, I can take responsibility for changing these patterns, taking good care of myself, being quiet, taking baths, focusing on projects that I'm excited about, that I'm reeling from, and most importantly - not looking back for a second. This is the way in which to grow, and bloom, and change, and discover a lighter, more important part of my life. I feel that I have already chosen the route, and now I'm spending time at check-points, reminding myself that I'm on the right path, and that I'm going towards a better self, better relationships with you (the people I love), and a healthier soul.

There is something bitter-sweet about leaving baggage behind. But there is no greater benefit than feeling the weight lifted, and finally having a consistent amount of energy and time to communicate and express who I am to my full capacity. I want to love well, with genuine intentions, with a strength of character that can see more truth, and not barnacle onto something, some emotion, or someone just because it needs a host. My dad once said, " I always imagine that you're a great, majestic, lone ship in the middle of the ocean, riding the waves of life with grace and strength." (well I paraphrase, but it was something poetic like that). I would like to truly live and aspire to this statement.

Mindfulness is helping so much, and as cheesy as it sounds, I repeat this mantra every day (in my head) and it helps me reconnect with my love of life, people, and nature. I know it's not super poetic, but it helps me connect:

"May all beings dwell in their hearts.
May all beings be free of suffering.
May all beings be healed.
May all beings be at peace." - www.annlapo.com

Too Much (on Saturday?)

Well here we are...the weekend has arrived.

I'm counting on those who listen to this next track to be able to deal with the dedication it takes to love it.
Tall order? Ya, kind of. I've had people tell me to turn it off, and I've had people tell me to turn it up.

Sufjan Stevens has come a long way. His style, his lyricism, his tone, and his instrumentation (not to mention his personal life) has evolved, and you either trust him to take you on a journey with him, or you abandon him by the wayside because he hasn't taken you back to Chicago.

Personally, though I love Illinoize, Seven Swans, etc., I couldn't be more excited to go somewhere new and extra-choral, over-the-top, epic, and deliciously indulgent.
I must repeat...I love people who are not afraid to write what THEY want to hear, not what they think YOU want to hear. If I wanted to listen to something I could have thought of myself, I'd be a douche.


ENJOY: Album - Age Of Adz (2010)

Song: Too Much

original track:

Live @ Sydney Opera House:

May Songs - Dirty Projectors

Something that is a constant joy to listen to.

This whole album fills me with inspiration and awe. I'm almost at a loss for which song to choose since they are all incredible pieces of work.

Released in 2009, it hasn't lost an ounce of its freshness.

"Stillness is the Move" --- but you should just go ahead and listen to the whole album, it's got FUNK.

Spring Song Magic

These will be the songs that pull on me from my ears to my fingertips, through my veins.
They always evoke something hopeful, something uplifting, something infinite, unending in the possibility for more.
They have all been on repeat many many times.


The song of the day: Girls Lips Glitter, By BOWS

This song needs to be in headphones or plugged into your speakers. listening to this without the intent of intimacy and a journey is pointless to say the least.
Listen with wet scenery, perfect for this muggy/foggy day.


Thanks for reading (and more importantly for listening)

The Beauty of the Human Condition

Ironically, since beginning my psychology studies, I have found an immense gap between myself and my emotional, creative side. Even more curious is the way in which psychology courses are taught, and the way in which professors treat this extremely important aspect of natural science. No doubt this 'way' of presenting psychology has more to do with the fear of not being taken seriously, and God forbid being compared to such flaky social sciences as sociology. Without elaboration on that, I will say that with this lack of creativity and subjective opportunity in school, I have found that applying the concepts and theories of human experience INTO my personal life the only way of justifying what it all means. I've found psychology to be almost as daunting, complex, and overwhelming as quantum physics. I would almost go so far as to say that they are pervasively linked to one another. One of the main ideas in quantum theory is that the world of atoms and energy bares NO resemblance to the world we perceive. To me, this very idea is at the core of the most fundamental questions regarding the human mind/soul. What are we experiencing in life? How does our experience compare to the material world? Is there a material world? And even on a somewhat micro level: How can we possibly understand, reconcile, and even begin to explain the variance of our experiences and the complexity of our own minds?

Where am I going with this?
I suppose that I have come to believe that the most valuable thing about the science of psychology is the ambition behind it. To me, it reflects the best, most unique characteristics found in human nature: courage, strength, willingness to analyze and reflect, openness to the unknown. I imagine the dedicated women and men who actively try to answer these difficult questions to be blindly jumping into an abyss with no concept of where they will come out, or if they will ever come out again. This metaphor is what inspires me in my own life, and it is what attracts me to the people I have come to know and love. The beauty of the human condition is reflected in our passion and dedication and boundless courage in seeking truth, regardless of whether or not there will ever be a truth to know (and as we've found so far, there are either many varied truths, or perhaps none at all that come close to what we can understand). It always amazes me to see people living so close to the surface of their lives. I have trouble not thinking on occasion of how wasteful it is not to delve deeper when there is an ocean inside of us to explore. On the other hand, there are days I wake up and wish that it wasn't innately programmed into me to 'dive' and that I could just float for awhile and close my eyes. But the people and interactions that have most affected my life are those that remind me of the purpose. They awaken passion, and express a dedicated love of their own human experience, and a great understanding of our fleeting privilege to contemplate, debate, enjoy, and be grateful for whatever it is we have - whatever you want to name it. I live for this link between me and other souls. I believe that "the passions" are the elements that truly connect us. Without them, we're really just zombies.

* I credit my fellow seeker of truth and passionate 'lifer', Miss Amanda Merrick with both the inspiration and title for this post. She writes an incredible blog called The Covetist -
I love you my love. xo

mud (a reflection on friendship and change)

There's a place that gets sticky and ambiguous - and that place falls between love.
I know of no answer that reflects the entirety of reality - of everyone's spot. Of all the people I love and their personal, and most precious truths.

I only know my own - my limited time, my sweet sweet love for things that remain too wordless to explain.
I am responsible only for that time and it can't be thrown away out of fear of love, fear of selfishness, fear of abandon, or of abandonment. Our ethics, our souls, our knowing better, and our judgments. They die with the night and they die without purpose...
none, except to reassure the assumptions that we hold about each other and the world - the ones held onto. The ones that make it all solid and real just for a moment in time, and then, come morning, there's nothing but love left, and some regret.

some days we're hard to stomach - I can't even take my own self
- how can I carry you with me too?

there are cries that come from every place. They must be internally soothed.

truth: I have a responsibility not to judge others. And so, to not judge myself. This is the hardest thing to remember.

the time for dreaming.

Last night I had a dream that everything was melting - right in front of me. Melting and disappearing.
All of us were nomads moving away from the inevitable downpour...we were afraid of it, so we ran from it hoping that something, or someone would stop the run. Because it was truly accumulating, running like a broken dam.

There were boats that would pass us from shore. Big boats with unclear but defined older, wiser people sifting out the water and sprinkling it on us as a gift maybe...or as a warning.

"This is where we have come from. this is what's coming for you"

I passed many people I knew but their faces had changed like they had morphed quite drastically since the water and inevitability started seeping from the North and into the inhabited parts of our lives. I recognized them, I knew their essences, we nodded, acknowledged each other, and moved on.
The urge to run back to them and hug and kiss them, to connect maybe just one more time, to find someone who would tell me that this was a nightmare, that everything was being "worked out", that everything would be fine.

Because the truth is that it's everybody's fault and it's no one's fault. We're all equally to blame and we're all equally innocent.

and had I lived another life, I would have been happy just the same - but here's where the truth comes out for real. Because when I wake up, I know that these metaphors are getting closer to truths, and I know that I'm already moving, preparing, accepting, mourning...I think so many of us are. This is not in my power to deny myself - and my own instinct, and my own inner knowledge does this without my permission. It dreams, it envisions, it gives me no option but to pay attention and to listen to the earth.