There are many things that have been spinning inside my head in the past three weeks.
A week ago, we were faced with an incredibly horrifying break-in while we were sound asleep in our beds, and that consequently shook us and pumped unhealthy amounts of adrenaline into our bodies and made it painful to function in a productive fashion.
That experience aside,
I have been faced with a downpour of emotion that makes everything clearer. Every event has made more and more sense as if they were all a part of some cryptic message that I'm supposed to decode.
decoding has led me to this place where I have allowed myself to start being more focused and responsible for myself and my well-being.
This seems perhaps cut-and-dry for some, but even as I write it, it is one of the most daunting and difficult concepts to manifest in real life.
I think when you've conducted yourself a certain way for so long, and have been filling yourself and identifying yourself with a certain set of life-rules for as long as I have, there comes to be both expectations from the outside, and also expectations from within.
I have always identified myself as a steadfast lover, friend, companion, confident. I have drawn so much pride from this, that allowing myself to be absent is something that takes a strength of mind that I'm not sure I yet possess. I imagine that strengthening this part of myself is like strengthening a muscle. It takes exercise, practice, training, and discipline. This is my focus now.
I would like to imagine that my boundaries will be based fundamentally on my own feelings of comfort, happiness, and energy.
You can't draw from an empty well.
I urge myself to repeat this daily. Because how can I be a good friend, lover, partner, musician, academic, daughter, if there is nothing inside myself left to give. If I have not nurtured and paid close attention to recharging myself daily, not just once a month or quarterly.
Having been so exhausted, infuriated, upset, vulnerable, fed-up, and stressed these past few weeks, there is something to be learned. I am at an obvious fork in the road where I can either continue on a path where I listen to my old self. Where I base my truths on what my loved ones think, want, need. Where I inhale the emotions, disappointments, heartbreak, resentment of others without exhaling it, until it fills my chest and shoulders up to the brim with heavy heaviness. Or, I can take responsibility for changing these patterns, taking good care of myself, being quiet, taking baths, focusing on projects that I'm excited about, that I'm reeling from, and most importantly - not looking back for a second. This is the way in which to grow, and bloom, and change, and discover a lighter, more important part of my life. I feel that I have already chosen the route, and now I'm spending time at check-points, reminding myself that I'm on the right path, and that I'm going towards a better self, better relationships with you (the people I love), and a healthier soul.
There is something bitter-sweet about leaving baggage behind. But there is no greater benefit than feeling the weight lifted, and finally having a consistent amount of energy and time to communicate and express who I am to my full capacity. I want to love well, with genuine intentions, with a strength of character that can see more truth, and not barnacle onto something, some emotion, or someone just because it needs a host. My dad once said, " I always imagine that you're a great, majestic, lone ship in the middle of the ocean, riding the waves of life with grace and strength." (well I paraphrase, but it was something poetic like that). I would like to truly live and aspire to this statement.
Mindfulness is helping so much, and as cheesy as it sounds, I repeat this mantra every day (in my head) and it helps me reconnect with my love of life, people, and nature. I know it's not super poetic, but it helps me connect:
"May all beings dwell in their hearts.
May all beings be free of suffering.
May all beings be healed.
May all beings be at peace." - www.annlapo.com
