settling.

Although I love the idea of honesty - I do not practice it daily.Truth and honesty - might be two very different ideas.
one is a practice, and one is a thing.
so - i believe in truth, but do not live with honesty.
There are so many factors and excuses and reasons why. I try to keep truth internal, but it makes honesty in everyday life even more difficult. to be aware that you are not saying EVERYTHING, not reveiling all...
my Nanny use to say "you should always tell the truth, but you don't always have to tell everything"
I need to practice this. But people expect that I will be forever open, that I have minimal secrets, that I want everyone to know most things about me.
I don't think that's true for anyone, and if it is true...probably more so for those who keep their lives and thoughts mostly hidden. Probably as some cathartic release that they hope will make themfeel better in some way.
As time passes, and in the past year or so, I have seen that I have no obligations to anyone. My obligations lie in passions, and love. the kind of love that is not asking, or WANTING, or NEEDING validation...the kind that is just there. The kind that I should be grateful for, andthat I can't quantify.
I have tried to practice truth and honesty in these ways - but naturally circumstances in life have come up where someone's feelings are at stake...where telling the truth might not be the best way - because when it comes to a personal matter...I'm not sure people can really handle any REAL amount of honesty. And the times that I've tried to do so often just leaves someone feeling attacked, or hurt, or confused.
When you build relationships with people, they come to trust the safety of your support and your words. They want truth in theory - but WE as sensitive people can't really handle other people's feelings in a negative way...especially when it has to do with US. People who can do this I think are VERY strong in character and very intelligent.
I think it's valid to not want brutal honesty, but it's not always possible.
Yesterday I thought about people who think that having a long-term relationship,being healthy, wanting a family, and practicing some self-control are simply settling for whats easy.I thought about how I am the most impulsive person I know...and I am not sure those who know me are aware of that. it has gotten me into some insane situations. Then I thought about how all my bad relationships were because I didn't like myself or value myself that much. I thought about those relationships and how the person never came into it thinking I was WORTH as much as I was worth. I liked it at the time, because I couldn't handle someone actually KNOWING me for me,and loving me that way. It seemed ridiculous and impossible - and so I made sure I never had to deal with that and when I did have to deal with that, I didn't much respect the guy because I thought he was crazy or wrong about his feelings...and didn't have a clue.
so yesterday - I realized that being with someone who loves you, who gets you,who gets along with you and makes you CALM and HAPPY - is actually a reflection of how you feel about yourself. And I don't expect people to understand this, or to not have specs of cynicism if they themselves do not feel good about themselves and have not yet let themselves be loved in this way.
It's part of a learning process to be in a functional relationship - and these are the revelations I wish to continue having with or without a relationship.
I know they are not revolutionary - I'm sure books and books have been written on the topic,but for me to come upon it on my own means something...to me.
Truth within is more important to me than honesty outside myself. I do not feel that I owe anything or any explanations that I don't wish to share. But I also do not want to compromise myself by hiding how I feel about things, situations, people.
I want to be a part of a good energy. At the cost of obligation and responsibility, I want to make sure that I am being true to what I love and what makes me feel passion, and what keeps me calm and happy, without thinking about how other people feel.

This has been easier and easier in the past few years. Thankfully.