decisions decisions...

I have rules in order to stay on the functioning side of reality. I had to make them when I was 23 because I broke all the rules that year and decided that whatever I felt, no matter how grandiose, or dark, or impulsive, or damaging, this was what I was suppose to feel and therefore, I should face it full on. I had been reading many books on Yoga and meditation, and I couldn't exactly figure out how to reach this plain of consciousness, but I knew that I felt similar in subconscious ways and I figured I would forge my own path to getting enlightened. I spent hours and hours alone which might be fine for some, but with an "extra extrovert" personality, I wasn't really thinking of how unnatural and abnormal my psyche might find that. I was diagnosed with diabetes type 1 when I had just turned 12, and so naturally, being down, alone all the time, and not feeling physically that great, I thought most often about my limited time on the planet, and my purpose to myself, and my mortality. I felt so removed and so light headed all the time, so scared and full of butterflies, and instead of interpreting this as wrong, I made up my mind that fear was meant to be conquered, and that the only way to do it was to delve deeper into it until I (hopefully) came out on the other side. It was somewhat liberating and exciting. To come home alone after school, smoke a big joint by myself, and write - all the things that people ignore because it's too scary and too existential and it has no answer. The books I had been reading told me there WAS an answer to the meaning of life, and that it was findable. So I had some irrational hope that without any experience, and with very little good energy, I could just find it.


It was an exhausting chunk of time. I feel like it ate away at me, I feel like it was the black hole of despair that took control and had no intention of letting me pass through it. And looking back on it now, I see that I was in no place to have any enlightened adventures of spirituality or evolution.


Eventually - my body gave my mind signals that something was wrong, and at the end of the year - literally on New Years Day...I finally felt like I was completely losing my mind. Nothing was connected anymore, nothing made any sense to me, nothing had meaning, all hope was lost, I went through motions of reality that I felt no connection to, and I broke down completely because not being connected to anyone or anything and being at the mercy of all of these existential realities was driving me literally crazy.


Somehow, my mom and my aunt showed up at my apartment, fed me, held me, and tried to tell me I wasn't crazy. I couldn't leave my house without feeling this sense of fear that was now trickling into the real world..."what if I never get out of this?", "what have I done to myself?", "where did all my love and joy and excitement go?", "what will happen now?" - and more, and deeper thoughts...


I took atavan and watched movies that my dad had brought up with my mom. The movies had to be funny, and light. They could have no subject matter containing anything to do with death, or time travel, or ideas that reminded me of the uncertainty of life. And it's in this state of slow recovery from the depths of my mind, that I started to accept what my brain couldn't handle. I use to spend hours with Chris mulling over the most difficult ideas concerning science, and reality and the universe. When Chris would come and get me for a short outing to a coffee shop and back during this time, I made the rule that there would be no such talk until I felt ready and able to separate myself from it. Months after this happened, I was moving so slowly towards being "normal". I would wait at the bus stop and look around me feeling still so disconnected from the environment, so removed, floating in the air above myself and feeling like an alien on a foreign planet. It really took years to feel like myself again. And myself has fully changed as a result of this.





My learning experience from it all came from something that my mom always made clear and believed in, but that I never really respected....



"Your mind is a fragile organ. You have to learn it, and nurture it. You should never put anything into your head that you will want to take out after...because once it's in there, it doesn't come out."



Now, I'm a firm believer in not censoring yourself...and being open and free to experience and discover all layers of life and spirituality, however, I am also a firm believer in the positive and the negative. I'm a firm believer in knowing ones self, and having a relationship with the self that is not unlike the relationship between two people who love eachother and are invested in supporting and nurturing each other. I have accepted that because of my human nature, I am destined to spend glutonus hours mulling over my own thoughts, and the thoughts of others in relations to me, and that I will always have a certain ego attached to all thoughts. Therefore, I do feel as though I owe it to myself to make sure that this ongoing internal dialogue and analysis of experience is taken GOOD care of.



There are some rules I have come to abide by and remember since 2003:



* don't watch crap. watch things that make you think and feel and that challenge you. Watch things that inspire and things that provoke. Avoid negative energy within media and look for truth and honesty when filtering.



* do not think about life when you're tired. And if you can't help yourself and you're already thinking, stop it somehow (read a book, watch a movie, write, sing, talk) and then sleep.



* don't say or think NEEDLESS negative things about your external environment (including people and circumstance). If they serve a purpose, good, say them and then move on...if they come out of nowhere and have no life or meaning behind them, find their meaning, or reject them.



* always remember how lucky you are. see things like they're new, hear things in harmony with eachother, look at everyday life like it's a piece of art...because it is.



* respect your boundaries and do not compromise them for other people, unless there is a purpose for yourself. You are useless to other people if you are not able to see your limitations and respect them.



* believe in where you are. Own yourself. Do not let people tell you who you are, and where you are in life. let people teach you and inspire you, not judge you.

* always speak as much truth as possible. Be genuine. Allow yourself to have your thoughts.

*(mum) treat yourself as if you were your own child. Do not do or say anything to yourself that you would not do or say to your own children.

There are many more, and I am always aware of them although not always able to comply. I realize that they will change and that they will grow with time. These rules are not restricting, they are liberating. They have made my life since 2003 happier, and healthier, and more authentic than ever before.
I have met so many other people who have had similar experiences with their minds. It is a human experience. My resolve is to continue to seek truth. Truth is infinite and exciting. In it's infinite energy, there are infinite possibilities that make a life experience worth living. In truth, I feel there are no answers, only layers. That makes for a very powerful adventure if you're looking for it. I try to always look around me, stay in the moment, listen to things in harmony with eachother, look at everyday life as though it were a piece of art. And I believe that it is.
There is no reason to squander it. There is nothing in our Western experience with all it's ease and comfort and over abundance, that we should not be trying very hard to go beyond. We all have the time and leisure to do so.

If all of this seems too flaky for you to handle - I have a really good sum up of what exactly I'm trying to say in a nutshell.

When in doubt, take your head out of your ass.

xo

a letter to a special friend...

dear "you"
I'm up early and I've been thinking about you a lot.
I've been thinking of writing something that would not be judged and that I could just write...in my diary - seemed unsatisfying because I have a negative feeling for that diary - because I always write in it in either very enlightened moments, or in times of total despair.
so I thought today I would write to you and see what happens...because I miss you and feel we always have such good things to share with each other - but never get to see each other.
My life is going pretty beautifully - I feel I can't complain...I never really feel as though I can complain because I have so much to be grateful for.
despite my constant anxiety over a number of things, I know that I have been blessed.
just being who I am and having people like you in my life - i feel full of wonder and beauty
that being said; of course things come up - everyday life drama ensues and nothing can stop my ego from being involved in my quest for truth and honesty.
I battle with my body image and I am interested in why this has been such a battle for my whole adult life.
I have never been skinny, and I have never been standard...but still I have unconscious wishes to be someone I am not. In body - and I think in turn, I want to see what happens to my mind when I am graced with a completely different body image and in turn, a probably much different outer reaction to my body.
and then I try to reassure myself that this might be the worst experiment ever and that the ego in me needs to be readjusted because this should not matter in terms of my humanity and my evolution.
and so it goes, it's so true that I must also be grateful for my body and the wondrous things it CAN do, if not look good in American Apparel clothing, it can give and receive many miraculous things including life, and love.
so - I should love this body...but life and ego and media make this hard on a regular basis.
other things - including my relationship has been a source of some anxiety. Not because it's not going well, but because I love these moments of ranting to you by email and not focusing on anything but my goals for the day and my communication with those who are important to me...and maybe I don't necessarily feel like anyone else can be in the same place as me...which I am not sure is an accurate feeling at all.
It could very well be that I will never meet anyone who understands the core of who I am in a way that is as valuable as I see it.
complex and as fragmented.
Narcissism...???
I guess I am devoted to myself...and I'm scared that acting on my CORE that is very focused on others...I will lose that devotion and I really don't want to.
do you ever feel that you were put here on earth to discover and learn and then communicate?
I feel that way often...in these early morning moments...I feel that I was meant to challenge and be challenged to learn and grow in ways that greatly evolve my mind and spirit - to have great revelations and wonderful moments of clarity and to connect with other people's emotions in a way that allows me to understand more and grow further.
I feel that a domesticated relationship that gets too comfortable and easy and that starts planting ideas of marriage and babies in my head is swerving me away from this calling - to act, learn, grow, and then simultaneously communicate as well. (as a side note, I DO want to have babies...and I would love to marry someone in some way – someday)....however,
comfortable can be detrimental no?
comfortable is not what life is...life is too unpredictable to be comfortable...and I feel if I am comfortable then it is a fortress I have created around myself to not let things happen to me, to keep life away from me, or to keep life from happening to me...
so I do not want comfort...wow - these are great revelations of early morning -
i think the only comfort you can have is within yourself...your ideas and experiences...and you have to be comfortable with unpredictable circumstances...you have to be comfortable with the fact that everything changes and that your whole idea of life, love and relationships might change too.
and I am comfortable in that - I just don't want to lose that connection.
what about you? how do you feel about all of this?
xoxoxox
I love you.

It's amazing.
Every fibre of muscle in my body has a recent history of strain.
Physically, I find it disturbing to be aware of that strain and not be capable of any kind of solution.
I think randomly throughout the day that someone is holding back major information from me. Some kind of secret.
Go to a chiropractor?
Get acupuncture?
Daily massages?
Speak to a therapist?
Regular exercise, no more caffeine, no sweetener, no aspartame, Epsom salts?
What is the secret to releasing the stress of life and love from the body?
I will let you know when I figure out what it is. One of my many quests for the near future will be to relieve and conquer this strain before it gets way out of hand.

cliches

When the brain slows down, I think it makes more room for the new.Maybe it releases things that have been suppressed.I'm not sure exactly how it works, but last night during this incredibly insane storm outside my parents' bedroom window...my mind raced,and all my thoughts became cliches of other peoples thoughts.
about the world, about the state of everything and everyone.
to think in cliches more often than not, is a humbling experience.I have this experience often.
Ever since I was able to think independently, which for me was maybe around five or six years old (maybe a bit younger), I have thought consciously of how cliche my thoughts must be.
I always believed someone had beat me to it.
and they probably have every time.
The point may not be to have an original thought.like music, most original ideas do not exist.
if we are all human, and all made up of the same biological matter and most likely the same spiritual material, most of us must be almost as familiar as family. Could be that the whole point of thinking is to think about thinking. To analyse thought and how it relates to other peoples thoughts. How similar, how old, how bonding it may be.
Last night I listened to the rain right after midnight. My lover lay next to me and listened too. I looked out the window and then I lay on my back and thought of all the people who might be in little shacks without real shelter, no central air, no food filling them for extra warmth. How their reality might include violent bouts of nature that I have never even seen before. I wondered how they survive. I wondered how we have survived without punishment from over-use of resources for so long.I predicted the end of comfort in the near future for all of us.I thought of how I might survive a tsunami or a tornado without shelter from the elements. I thought about how a partner may be a form of warmth and comfort, but also an expendable feature that could get cold, die, disappear in a heartbeat. I thought of how I must be either so unlucky to not have the experience of survival like that or so very lucky to never have the need to use any survival instinct.
I thought that if a partner, a friend, a family member is so expendable in other parts of the world, the need to be self-sufficient, to have faith,to recognize and respect nature and it's God-like ability to give birth, and take away life in a moment is something that we may be lacking...something of unmatched value that we do not have the privilege of knowing.
We are scared yes, but we do not succumb. Fear makes people do things to protect themselves and I feel as though we are so use to being protected that we can't see that there really is no use in trying to protect ourselves from death and loneliness.There is only a use in recognizing the value of our safety, and our fleeting loves...that can be taken at any time.

early morning #1

There are two halves of me.
One that loves chaos passionately, that wants only heat, fire, sweat, and loud voices.
This is the one that I feel most connected to. It's more familiar...I've lived with it longer.
It has dictated life for so long that I hardly know how to function without it.
It is inspiring. It's always awake, never afraid, and constantly aware of every feeling and every sense.
It isn't rational.
It seduces others without a fault. It feeds off of them.

The other half is only appearing now. It is reduced, routine, sedate.
It is constantly questioning, analyzing, mistrusting, and screening each experience and each performance.
It is slow and calm and comfortable - and at the same time, so completely lost and worried and scared.
It has no great interest in others, and loves being alone.

Why I cannot mesh these two forces together is a mystery. The greatest challenge would be to have a balance of both - to not damage the core any further by using one over the other.

grabbing, holding, keeping, whispering, wanting, breathing, passion and fleeting bouts of inspiration. These cannot be suppressed. I will not suppress them despite their path of total chaos and destruction. I like chaos. I like destruction.

Sometimes it becomes clear that chaos is using me and keeping me alone, and misunderstood.
This comfort has security I have never experienced.
People understand comfort. They aren't afraid of calm.
They can't easily succumb to passion if there is no garauntee of safety.

entry from 03-21-2008

I realize that going away this year will be incredibly satisfying and exciting. I see how I will be healed in many ways. To live outside of my little box – music on hiatus…a break a lovely get away to be alone and find the hidden part of me that I keep trying to coax out. I don’t know where she went – sometimes she comes out and is misinterpreted…my “dykeish” attitude they called it yesterday at work….aggressive – sure of myself – emotional – capable – steady….still warm and inclusive, but with boundaries…she is in there, she has been seriously suppressed. And I feel like I have betrayed myself in being with him and now I must slowly heal this person inside of me –
And every time I see him…she leaves, hides inside me and mistrusts me again – because he’s there…because she can’t fully come out when he’s there.

In The Beginning

There may be a series of reasons to write a blog. I have an incling of an idea as to why I might have chosen to do so. Writing what needs to be exposed seems like a good enough reason.

Last night I dreamt that I had a tattoo on my left eye. I had commissioned someone to create for me a bright, open, blue eye a-top my eyelid so that when I closed it, it would still remain open. The dream took place in my alternate universe where everything is always familiar and old and grey. I have no memory of who or what went on, only the proud ownership I felt over this new creation.

I woke up on the couch of my parents' tv room wondering if perhaps I had fallen asleep watching some sci-fi program, but I recalled having fallen asleep to "blind date" and figured that my dream probably had little do with fake tits, and an overall obnoxious waste of time.

All morning I've been thinking of my insides. My true self. The full connection I feel to myself in the sense of truth and honesty. The whole point of writing, in order to somehow feel more connected to my outer environment. I am labeled social, positive, and even empathetic, but yet I don't think I've ever felt closer to anyone than I have felt with myself. There is truth spoken within moments of connection and within inspired thoughts between us, truth that is presented in everyday life (our experiences and challenges and accomplishments), and there is this unspoken, unseen truth that can hardly be put into words. So, I have decided that one eye is for interpreting everyday life, one is for communication with others, and one (the one I have come upon in my last dreamstate) just for me.

eventually, I would like to write with two eyes closed, and only one remaining.