early morning #1

There are two halves of me.
One that loves chaos passionately, that wants only heat, fire, sweat, and loud voices.
This is the one that I feel most connected to. It's more familiar...I've lived with it longer.
It has dictated life for so long that I hardly know how to function without it.
It is inspiring. It's always awake, never afraid, and constantly aware of every feeling and every sense.
It isn't rational.
It seduces others without a fault. It feeds off of them.

The other half is only appearing now. It is reduced, routine, sedate.
It is constantly questioning, analyzing, mistrusting, and screening each experience and each performance.
It is slow and calm and comfortable - and at the same time, so completely lost and worried and scared.
It has no great interest in others, and loves being alone.

Why I cannot mesh these two forces together is a mystery. The greatest challenge would be to have a balance of both - to not damage the core any further by using one over the other.

grabbing, holding, keeping, whispering, wanting, breathing, passion and fleeting bouts of inspiration. These cannot be suppressed. I will not suppress them despite their path of total chaos and destruction. I like chaos. I like destruction.

Sometimes it becomes clear that chaos is using me and keeping me alone, and misunderstood.
This comfort has security I have never experienced.
People understand comfort. They aren't afraid of calm.
They can't easily succumb to passion if there is no garauntee of safety.