entry from 03-21-2008

I realize that going away this year will be incredibly satisfying and exciting. I see how I will be healed in many ways. To live outside of my little box – music on hiatus…a break a lovely get away to be alone and find the hidden part of me that I keep trying to coax out. I don’t know where she went – sometimes she comes out and is misinterpreted…my “dykeish” attitude they called it yesterday at work….aggressive – sure of myself – emotional – capable – steady….still warm and inclusive, but with boundaries…she is in there, she has been seriously suppressed. And I feel like I have betrayed myself in being with him and now I must slowly heal this person inside of me –
And every time I see him…she leaves, hides inside me and mistrusts me again – because he’s there…because she can’t fully come out when he’s there.