dear "you"
I'm up early and I've been thinking about you a lot.
I've been thinking of writing something that would not be judged and that I could just write...in my diary - seemed unsatisfying because I have a negative feeling for that diary - because I always write in it in either very enlightened moments, or in times of total despair.
so I thought today I would write to you and see what happens...because I miss you and feel we always have such good things to share with each other - but never get to see each other.
My life is going pretty beautifully - I feel I can't complain...I never really feel as though I can complain because I have so much to be grateful for.
despite my constant anxiety over a number of things, I know that I have been blessed.
just being who I am and having people like you in my life - i feel full of wonder and beauty
that being said; of course things come up - everyday life drama ensues and nothing can stop my ego from being involved in my quest for truth and honesty.
I battle with my body image and I am interested in why this has been such a battle for my whole adult life.
I have never been skinny, and I have never been standard...but still I have unconscious wishes to be someone I am not. In body - and I think in turn, I want to see what happens to my mind when I am graced with a completely different body image and in turn, a probably much different outer reaction to my body.
and then I try to reassure myself that this might be the worst experiment ever and that the ego in me needs to be readjusted because this should not matter in terms of my humanity and my evolution.
and so it goes, it's so true that I must also be grateful for my body and the wondrous things it CAN do, if not look good in American Apparel clothing, it can give and receive many miraculous things including life, and love.
so - I should love this body...but life and ego and media make this hard on a regular basis.
other things - including my relationship has been a source of some anxiety. Not because it's not going well, but because I love these moments of ranting to you by email and not focusing on anything but my goals for the day and my communication with those who are important to me...and maybe I don't necessarily feel like anyone else can be in the same place as me...which I am not sure is an accurate feeling at all.
It could very well be that I will never meet anyone who understands the core of who I am in a way that is as valuable as I see it.
complex and as fragmented.
Narcissism...???
I guess I am devoted to myself...and I'm scared that acting on my CORE that is very focused on others...I will lose that devotion and I really don't want to.
do you ever feel that you were put here on earth to discover and learn and then communicate?
I feel that way often...in these early morning moments...I feel that I was meant to challenge and be challenged to learn and grow in ways that greatly evolve my mind and spirit - to have great revelations and wonderful moments of clarity and to connect with other people's emotions in a way that allows me to understand more and grow further.
I feel that a domesticated relationship that gets too comfortable and easy and that starts planting ideas of marriage and babies in my head is swerving me away from this calling - to act, learn, grow, and then simultaneously communicate as well. (as a side note, I DO want to have babies...and I would love to marry someone in some way – someday)....however,
comfortable can be detrimental no?
comfortable is not what life is...life is too unpredictable to be comfortable...and I feel if I am comfortable then it is a fortress I have created around myself to not let things happen to me, to keep life away from me, or to keep life from happening to me...
so I do not want comfort...wow - these are great revelations of early morning -
i think the only comfort you can have is within yourself...your ideas and experiences...and you have to be comfortable with unpredictable circumstances...you have to be comfortable with the fact that everything changes and that your whole idea of life, love and relationships might change too.
and I am comfortable in that - I just don't want to lose that connection.
what about you? how do you feel about all of this?
xoxoxox
I love you.
It's like everything you say is echoeing the sentiments that so many people feel but can't understand well enough to articulate out of the abstract into words.
ReplyDeleteWould it be comforting to know that you're definitely not the only person who feels this way? That everyone actually feels this way? Wrestling with communication, body image, and comfort.
I keep wondering what it would be like to not be me. It's not even a matter of size or fitting into what society might want. Sometimes I really hate what I see when I look at myself and all I see when I look at you is beauty.
-Liz.
sweet lover!
ReplyDeletethank you for that...you HAVE to work on (at the very least)not hating what you see because you're stunning and vibrant in mind and body (and style I might add) and you need to be aware of this.
If you don't want comfort, but happiness, it might be a good idea to explore if what you are feeling is comfort or merely the contentment of settling. The two are very different things. Comfort does not have to be synonymous with building a fortress around yourself. The kind of comfort that you spoke of that is about feelings comfortable within yourself can be achieved throughout your entire live.
ReplyDeletesettling is not in my vocabulary...it's something other people do that I'm not capable of.
ReplyDeletecomfort - we're saying the same thing...comes from within...I really think comfort comes with knowing there is a constant evolution and change happening throughout life, and I feel I am always ready for that.