and so - on the day after inspiration, I'm feeling slightly less inspired and writing solely to keep inspiration high.
I'm writing a research midterm tomorrow and that should be at the forefront of my mind but instead I woke up with these super stress pains in my shoulders, made coffee, took an atavan, and decided that even with my studying, today will be a creative day.
Is it too long to write 3000 words on a blog? Is it? Doesn't the meaning behind what you write (despite WHERE it goes and who is reading it ) matter most? I have thought about it long and hard, and my post on body image is something I'm proud of. I'm proud because it took grueling hours to write it, it made me be honest about things that I cover with a veil of strength and defenses. It made me look into myself and try and find the true nature of how I feel in regards to men and women as a heterosexual woman born in the 80's. On top of all of this, my brother helped me to see the objectivity in the subject and bring out an "out of body" Jess to criticize myself and to figure out how to approach such a heated topic in a fair and sympathetic manner. He pushed me to let go of my ego in order to really truly write something that goes beyond just an experience (which is something I hold in high value).
So I lay in bed last night wondering if this was a self-indulgent post. I wondered if maybe this whole topic is too far gone to discuss, or to show, or to have discourse. And I think that maybe a woman's experience with her body is too diseased in a way to really get the right kind of motion forward. My own is pretty scarred and damaged, and I can't imagine why there would be so much need for defenses otherwise.
I think that many women decide that to fight the idea of "body image" in our society, we will adopt another gender's strength in order to fight against our insecure selves. Instead of being vulnerable, de-victimizing by reconstructing, and instead of having conversations we have been avoiding, we would rather just join the club. Laugh when our feelings get hurt, martyr our values and what we know is wrong or unhealthy in order to "keep the peace"....
But just like I said in the 3000 word epic blog posting on CuntLove...I strongly believe that the connections between our so-called polar opposite genders can be found beyond these constructed ideals of what our bodies should be. If we let ourselves be vulnerable, and let ourselves be honest, if we do it without defense and give our stories and our passions to others, there begins a whole new connection that goes beyond difference, or blame, or insecurity. I think that having an imagination to communicate and look beyond what you see infront of you and create a new dialogue with people you are scared to address is a way to connect. If you do this with love, and with personal truth in mind, I don't believe that anything bad can happen.
I don't want to write further on this topic. I think I am at peace with my own beliefs. But I encourage any one of my male and female friends to seriously think about what goes on in the spaces between conversation, between touches, between glances, and try and define it for yourself and communicate it with passion. I think if we can all try and do that thing, that poetic and mysterious in between thing, our connections will get stronger, and much of what has been lost will be regained.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
A new (or not so new) idea...
I'm at Shaika today - Naze put on the new Imogen Heap and it's perfect for this morning...
I went to see Natsumi downtown last night and we had the most inspiring conversation. We talked about university, school and learning, teaching, passion, music, sociology...it was really an endless flow of all consuming light and life.
I realize that most of how I describe life seems flaky and "out there". But really, this is how I feel about my interactions. Isn't that amazing? It's so exciting to have conversations with incredible, passionate, and creative people who are equally open to new ideas and seeing the greatness in a array of unconventional possibilities within our limited amount of time in human culture and existence.
The thing that has been all-consuming lately has been this idea that we should be inspiring each other. Helping each other feel and imagine and get excited about our ideas and build on them. Isn't that such a huge part of change and a huge part of growth?
I feel like it ties into the whole Obama deal. This idea that we need something tactile...something material, something produced that we can quantify in order to put value on it, instead of acknowledging the importance and value of inspiration and passion. Instead of acknowledging the value of spreading that all over the place. The way in which we mindlessly put shit into the world - either in thought or in material - seems so easy...so overwhelming to fight against. But then we have this man who has an entire campaign that fights against SHIT...wow, why doesn't he deserve a fucking prize???
because you can't see it with your eyes?
people saw it through tears of joy. and even more importantly than seeing it; they felt it.
and this is what I think is most important right now. Spreading hope, and love, and passion for things that bring out our good nature...things that are earthly - things that extend possibilities. we need to bring out each others sensitivity - bring out each others experiences and value and spread it around like a disease.
It's this ongoing thing that keeps coming up in all these conversations - all year. I am truly inspired by it. We have to keep the ideas coming - we have to encourage each other...
Last night with Natsumi - my cheeks hurt from smiling. I want to keep that feeling going. In a time on the planet where nothing is for sure, stable, and we are losing so much everyday...I'm so grateful to get pieces of someone's SOUL when I speak to them, and to in turn, give them pieces of mine.
It's a gift.
I went to see Natsumi downtown last night and we had the most inspiring conversation. We talked about university, school and learning, teaching, passion, music, sociology...it was really an endless flow of all consuming light and life.
I realize that most of how I describe life seems flaky and "out there". But really, this is how I feel about my interactions. Isn't that amazing? It's so exciting to have conversations with incredible, passionate, and creative people who are equally open to new ideas and seeing the greatness in a array of unconventional possibilities within our limited amount of time in human culture and existence.
The thing that has been all-consuming lately has been this idea that we should be inspiring each other. Helping each other feel and imagine and get excited about our ideas and build on them. Isn't that such a huge part of change and a huge part of growth?
I feel like it ties into the whole Obama deal. This idea that we need something tactile...something material, something produced that we can quantify in order to put value on it, instead of acknowledging the importance and value of inspiration and passion. Instead of acknowledging the value of spreading that all over the place. The way in which we mindlessly put shit into the world - either in thought or in material - seems so easy...so overwhelming to fight against. But then we have this man who has an entire campaign that fights against SHIT...wow, why doesn't he deserve a fucking prize???
because you can't see it with your eyes?
people saw it through tears of joy. and even more importantly than seeing it; they felt it.
and this is what I think is most important right now. Spreading hope, and love, and passion for things that bring out our good nature...things that are earthly - things that extend possibilities. we need to bring out each others sensitivity - bring out each others experiences and value and spread it around like a disease.
It's this ongoing thing that keeps coming up in all these conversations - all year. I am truly inspired by it. We have to keep the ideas coming - we have to encourage each other...
Last night with Natsumi - my cheeks hurt from smiling. I want to keep that feeling going. In a time on the planet where nothing is for sure, stable, and we are losing so much everyday...I'm so grateful to get pieces of someone's SOUL when I speak to them, and to in turn, give them pieces of mine.
It's a gift.
Friday, October 16, 2009
some great grand news...
Are there ever times in your life when you realize a couple of important things all at once and kinda feel bitter-sweet about it?
about 6 years ago, an old landlord of mine came up with this brilliant idea that when I left her old, ratty apartment, I also left about 700 dollars worth of damages with it. It's just simply a ridiculous accusation that I hardly paid any attention to except to return to her a registered letter proving my innocence (minus the screen that my kittens might have scratched...that costs about 20$ to replace)
so that was that. Didn't hear from her again for 3 years, and then one fine morning I went to my mailbox only to find another threatening letter in the mail saying miraculously - and without my knowledge there had been a court date that I had not attended, and that I was now in EVEN BIGGER trouble than before.
Again, another tactic to make me feel like I did something wrong when I didn't. My question to Miss.Leah is WHY? why, if I genuinely thought that I was innocent would I pay you 700$ unless someone from the government forced me to pay you (in which case I would take JAIL over you getting a penny of my good-karma, very scarce paper money stuff).
and my other question is WHY? why are you facebook stalking me and sending me yet another threatening letter SIX YEARS LATER!!!
It's clearly not because you think you have a right, if you did you might have tried doing it the correct way and notifying the "criminal" (that's me) properly so they could have a chance to defend themselves.
anyhooooooo
This has been plaguing me for years. Wondering if Leah is lurking around the corner trying to scare me with her bitter take on life and her monstrous impression of who I am.
I had a couple of thoughts. Bullies - being not those who wait for you after school in the soccer field, just tapping their toes, heavy with anticipation that you will somehow be proven horrific, wrong, shamed in some way, are more the universal version of bitterness that is expressed towards other social interactions instead of being an expression of abuse that they internalize. Leah is a bully - and I gotta just ignore the crap out of her, cause it shows such a sad sad life: older woman stalks young former tenant on facebook, desperate for some satisfaction and supposed "justice". Six years later, she still has nothing to show for years of "I'll show her who's boss!" obsession.
I also came to the conclusion that it is of top priority to me to ensure that I am always being as positive an influence on people I am in contact with as I can be. Not to say I don't yell at my boyfriend out of nowhere and then profusely apologize after, but, in every day life. I want to make sure that what I bring is not a law suit...but a LOVE SUIT...hehe just kidding...I just had to go there for SNL sake.
no I'd like to bring warmth and understanding and love into the world. I have to reject those who seek to destroy that. Ignore, move forward. Wish them the best - hope that they get their heads eventually screwed on properly so that they are able to see the best in people, not the worst.
about 6 years ago, an old landlord of mine came up with this brilliant idea that when I left her old, ratty apartment, I also left about 700 dollars worth of damages with it. It's just simply a ridiculous accusation that I hardly paid any attention to except to return to her a registered letter proving my innocence (minus the screen that my kittens might have scratched...that costs about 20$ to replace)
so that was that. Didn't hear from her again for 3 years, and then one fine morning I went to my mailbox only to find another threatening letter in the mail saying miraculously - and without my knowledge there had been a court date that I had not attended, and that I was now in EVEN BIGGER trouble than before.
Again, another tactic to make me feel like I did something wrong when I didn't. My question to Miss.Leah is WHY? why, if I genuinely thought that I was innocent would I pay you 700$ unless someone from the government forced me to pay you (in which case I would take JAIL over you getting a penny of my good-karma, very scarce paper money stuff).
and my other question is WHY? why are you facebook stalking me and sending me yet another threatening letter SIX YEARS LATER!!!
It's clearly not because you think you have a right, if you did you might have tried doing it the correct way and notifying the "criminal" (that's me) properly so they could have a chance to defend themselves.
anyhooooooo
This has been plaguing me for years. Wondering if Leah is lurking around the corner trying to scare me with her bitter take on life and her monstrous impression of who I am.
I had a couple of thoughts. Bullies - being not those who wait for you after school in the soccer field, just tapping their toes, heavy with anticipation that you will somehow be proven horrific, wrong, shamed in some way, are more the universal version of bitterness that is expressed towards other social interactions instead of being an expression of abuse that they internalize. Leah is a bully - and I gotta just ignore the crap out of her, cause it shows such a sad sad life: older woman stalks young former tenant on facebook, desperate for some satisfaction and supposed "justice". Six years later, she still has nothing to show for years of "I'll show her who's boss!" obsession.
I also came to the conclusion that it is of top priority to me to ensure that I am always being as positive an influence on people I am in contact with as I can be. Not to say I don't yell at my boyfriend out of nowhere and then profusely apologize after, but, in every day life. I want to make sure that what I bring is not a law suit...but a LOVE SUIT...hehe just kidding...I just had to go there for SNL sake.
no I'd like to bring warmth and understanding and love into the world. I have to reject those who seek to destroy that. Ignore, move forward. Wish them the best - hope that they get their heads eventually screwed on properly so that they are able to see the best in people, not the worst.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
my use of the word...
So, I'm in Ottawa, and when I'm here I spend a whole lot of extra time listening to the radio. Yesterday morning I happen to come upon an interview with Tom Waitts and he said something that I'm pretty sure was for me directly...he said (and I may have a few words wrong here):
"I don't think truth should be a word that we use. I think truth should always have an 's' at the end." Tom Waitts (on CBC radio)
of course there was more to this. But those few sentences had a huge impact on me. Considering what I've named my blog page, you might have come to realize that I have an attachment to the word. And that abiding by my definition of what that means is in itself a crisis, but dealing with the very abstract nature of the concept on it's own is a whole new crisis that I never thought really mattered to me. I mean, who cares what it actually means...I'm using it the way it feels right to me, so that's all that should matter.
However, the other day my brother started correcting an article I'm writing for Olga's really neat blog called Cuntlove (http://cuntlove.wordpress.com), and I used this term in a way that really made me think I've been taking advantage of it. My brother said something along the lines of what Tom Waitts said. Something like, truth is a loaded word. and it is...but I guess I feel so comfortable with it on my own terms, that I don't really think about what it means to other people when I'm writing.
Just something to think about I guess. My truth means something to me. Maybe I need to make it clear from now on, in all my posts, if you see the word "truth" (which I'm sure you will), let it mean whatever you want it to, and I'll do the same. I will try not to use it in ways that keep it from being abstract.
"I don't think truth should be a word that we use. I think truth should always have an 's' at the end." Tom Waitts (on CBC radio)
of course there was more to this. But those few sentences had a huge impact on me. Considering what I've named my blog page, you might have come to realize that I have an attachment to the word. And that abiding by my definition of what that means is in itself a crisis, but dealing with the very abstract nature of the concept on it's own is a whole new crisis that I never thought really mattered to me. I mean, who cares what it actually means...I'm using it the way it feels right to me, so that's all that should matter.
However, the other day my brother started correcting an article I'm writing for Olga's really neat blog called Cuntlove (http://cuntlove.wordpress.com), and I used this term in a way that really made me think I've been taking advantage of it. My brother said something along the lines of what Tom Waitts said. Something like, truth is a loaded word. and it is...but I guess I feel so comfortable with it on my own terms, that I don't really think about what it means to other people when I'm writing.
Just something to think about I guess. My truth means something to me. Maybe I need to make it clear from now on, in all my posts, if you see the word "truth" (which I'm sure you will), let it mean whatever you want it to, and I'll do the same. I will try not to use it in ways that keep it from being abstract.
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