the continuation of new..

and so - on the day after inspiration, I'm feeling slightly less inspired and writing solely to keep inspiration high.

I'm writing a research midterm tomorrow and that should be at the forefront of my mind but instead I woke up with these super stress pains in my shoulders, made coffee, took an atavan, and decided that even with my studying, today will be a creative day.

Is it too long to write 3000 words on a blog? Is it? Doesn't the meaning behind what you write (despite WHERE it goes and who is reading it ) matter most? I have thought about it long and hard, and my post on body image is something I'm proud of. I'm proud because it took grueling hours to write it, it made me be honest about things that I cover with a veil of strength and defenses. It made me look into myself and try and find the true nature of how I feel in regards to men and women as a heterosexual woman born in the 80's. On top of all of this, my brother helped me to see the objectivity in the subject and bring out an "out of body" Jess to criticize myself and to figure out how to approach such a heated topic in a fair and sympathetic manner. He pushed me to let go of my ego in order to really truly write something that goes beyond just an experience (which is something I hold in high value).

So I lay in bed last night wondering if this was a self-indulgent post. I wondered if maybe this whole topic is too far gone to discuss, or to show, or to have discourse. And I think that maybe a woman's experience with her body is too diseased in a way to really get the right kind of motion forward. My own is pretty scarred and damaged, and I can't imagine why there would be so much need for defenses otherwise.

I think that many women decide that to fight the idea of "body image" in our society, we will adopt another gender's strength in order to fight against our insecure selves. Instead of being vulnerable, de-victimizing by reconstructing, and instead of having conversations we have been avoiding, we would rather just join the club. Laugh when our feelings get hurt, martyr our values and what we know is wrong or unhealthy in order to "keep the peace"....

But just like I said in the 3000 word epic blog posting on CuntLove...I strongly believe that the connections between our so-called polar opposite genders can be found beyond these constructed ideals of what our bodies should be. If we let ourselves be vulnerable, and let ourselves be honest, if we do it without defense and give our stories and our passions to others, there begins a whole new connection that goes beyond difference, or blame, or insecurity. I think that having an imagination to communicate and look beyond what you see infront of you and create a new dialogue with people you are scared to address is a way to connect. If you do this with love, and with personal truth in mind, I don't believe that anything bad can happen.

I don't want to write further on this topic. I think I am at peace with my own beliefs. But I encourage any one of my male and female friends to seriously think about what goes on in the spaces between conversation, between touches, between glances, and try and define it for yourself and communicate it with passion. I think if we can all try and do that thing, that poetic and mysterious in between thing, our connections will get stronger, and much of what has been lost will be regained.