Ok, so I'm sick this weekend...and that gives me the right to once again do a two-in-one blog post of sadness.
As the month goes on and we're getting to a close, I'm finding it harder and harder to remember what made me sad in the past.
I guess that's a good thing because honestly, I never thought I'd run out of sad songs to suggest.
But there are a few that come to mind still, ones that have haunted me and continued to come up in my life from time to time.
The last time I fell in love, the circumstances were pretty grim. My "boyfriend" lived out of town and even though we saw each other quite frequently, sometimes it wasn't all roses and romance. Sometimes the fact that our lives were so separate and incompatible just gave us this horrible sadness and surges of emotion that left us both in tears. We couldn't see an out or an in to what we wanted. We were both falling in love with each other, but we had also both been through real hard times and had so many "shouldn't" thoughts running around our brains. We shouldn't rush into things. We shouldn't be impulsive. Shouldn't we be independent and work on ourselves alone? Shouldn't we take a break from relationships after so much heartbreak and hardship? etc.
I personally felt such yearning and desire and deep love that wasn't really allowed to surface. I thought that if it did, the whole relationship would explode. All the wants and needs and expectations would taint the entirety of whatever we had between us.
In retrospect, I sound like a whiny baby - but at the time it was a true, genuine, and profound sadness. Finally I had found someone who could see into my soul and there was just not too much hope that things would work in our favour.
On a few horrible occasions we had been so frustrated that we would decide to break things off. On one particular afternoon, when we decided to stop seeing eachother, I heard the song of choice for today.
In the last few hours before saying goodbye, we sat together watching "In The Basement" which is a dvd compilation of amazing artists doing live versions of their songs.
When we got to Thom Yorke's performance of "Videotape", all the above feelings spewed slowly and achingly out my eyeballs. Something I will never forget.
Thank God that's over.
This is the exact version of the song.
Videotape - by: Thom Yorke
When I'm at the pearly gates
This'll be on my videotape
My videotape
My videotape
Mephistopheles is just beneath
And he's reaching up to grab me
This is one for the good days
And I have it all here in
Red, blue, green
Red, blue, green
You are my centre when I spin away
Out of control on videotape
On videotape
On videotape
On videotape
This is my way of saying goodbye
Because I can't do it fact to face
So I'm talking to you before
No matter what happens now
I won't be afraid
Because I know
Today has been the most perfect day I have ever seen
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