The readily available gifts of the everyday

I watch.

It's fascinating what people will do in public.

hold themselves and each other

shamelessly.

tighten their faces and then smile 

blushing.

open their palms, 

take money from me, 

thank me, 

love me, 

or judge me.

Everything becomes personal, 

and lies beautifully revealed. 

There is nothing that is not graphic in nature 

and nothing that does not hold time still, 

while these sounds, visions, and breaths, 

heave and sway, 

and form in the stillness of our one dimension.

and parts that I would like to share are inexplicable.

and parts that I would rather forget come back 

and back again,

to make more space for the texture and taste of 

fine wine,

early morning coffee,

cigarettes,

and you.

My ever extending ego

lives

in this sea of bliss.

and you ask me for time

and ideas

and advice.

you ask me how to find pleasure in such a horrible space.

the continuation of new..

and so - on the day after inspiration, I'm feeling slightly less inspired and writing solely to keep inspiration high.

I'm writing a research midterm tomorrow and that should be at the forefront of my mind but instead I woke up with these super stress pains in my shoulders, made coffee, took an atavan, and decided that even with my studying, today will be a creative day.

Is it too long to write 3000 words on a blog? Is it? Doesn't the meaning behind what you write (despite WHERE it goes and who is reading it ) matter most? I have thought about it long and hard, and my post on body image is something I'm proud of. I'm proud because it took grueling hours to write it, it made me be honest about things that I cover with a veil of strength and defenses. It made me look into myself and try and find the true nature of how I feel in regards to men and women as a heterosexual woman born in the 80's. On top of all of this, my brother helped me to see the objectivity in the subject and bring out an "out of body" Jess to criticize myself and to figure out how to approach such a heated topic in a fair and sympathetic manner. He pushed me to let go of my ego in order to really truly write something that goes beyond just an experience (which is something I hold in high value).

So I lay in bed last night wondering if this was a self-indulgent post. I wondered if maybe this whole topic is too far gone to discuss, or to show, or to have discourse. And I think that maybe a woman's experience with her body is too diseased in a way to really get the right kind of motion forward. My own is pretty scarred and damaged, and I can't imagine why there would be so much need for defenses otherwise.

I think that many women decide that to fight the idea of "body image" in our society, we will adopt another gender's strength in order to fight against our insecure selves. Instead of being vulnerable, de-victimizing by reconstructing, and instead of having conversations we have been avoiding, we would rather just join the club. Laugh when our feelings get hurt, martyr our values and what we know is wrong or unhealthy in order to "keep the peace"....

But just like I said in the 3000 word epic blog posting on CuntLove...I strongly believe that the connections between our so-called polar opposite genders can be found beyond these constructed ideals of what our bodies should be. If we let ourselves be vulnerable, and let ourselves be honest, if we do it without defense and give our stories and our passions to others, there begins a whole new connection that goes beyond difference, or blame, or insecurity. I think that having an imagination to communicate and look beyond what you see infront of you and create a new dialogue with people you are scared to address is a way to connect. If you do this with love, and with personal truth in mind, I don't believe that anything bad can happen.

I don't want to write further on this topic. I think I am at peace with my own beliefs. But I encourage any one of my male and female friends to seriously think about what goes on in the spaces between conversation, between touches, between glances, and try and define it for yourself and communicate it with passion. I think if we can all try and do that thing, that poetic and mysterious in between thing, our connections will get stronger, and much of what has been lost will be regained.

A new (or not so new) idea...

I'm at Shaika today - Naze put on the new Imogen Heap and it's perfect for this morning...

I went to see Natsumi downtown last night and we had the most inspiring conversation. We talked about university, school and learning, teaching, passion, music, sociology...it was really an endless flow of all consuming light and life.

I realize that most of how I describe life seems flaky and "out there". But really, this is how I feel about my interactions. Isn't that amazing? It's so exciting to have conversations with incredible, passionate, and creative people who are equally open to new ideas and seeing the greatness in a array of unconventional possibilities within our limited amount of time in human culture and existence.

The thing that has been all-consuming lately has been this idea that we should be inspiring each other. Helping each other feel and imagine and get excited about our ideas and build on them. Isn't that such a huge part of change and a huge part of growth?
I feel like it ties into the whole Obama deal. This idea that we need something tactile...something material, something produced that we can quantify in order to put value on it, instead of acknowledging the importance and value of inspiration and passion. Instead of acknowledging the value of spreading that all over the place. The way in which we mindlessly put shit into the world - either in thought or in material - seems so easy...so overwhelming to fight against. But then we have this man who has an entire campaign that fights against SHIT...wow, why doesn't he deserve a fucking prize???

because you can't see it with your eyes?
people saw it through tears of joy. and even more importantly than seeing it; they felt it.

and this is what I think is most important right now. Spreading hope, and love, and passion for things that bring out our good nature...things that are earthly - things that extend possibilities. we need to bring out each others sensitivity - bring out each others experiences and value and spread it around like a disease.

It's this ongoing thing that keeps coming up in all these conversations - all year. I am truly inspired by it. We have to keep the ideas coming - we have to encourage each other...

Last night with Natsumi - my cheeks hurt from smiling. I want to keep that feeling going. In a time on the planet where nothing is for sure, stable, and we are losing so much everyday...I'm so grateful to get pieces of someone's SOUL when I speak to them, and to in turn, give them pieces of mine.

It's a gift.

some great grand news...

Are there ever times in your life when you realize a couple of important things all at once and kinda feel bitter-sweet about it?

about 6 years ago, an old landlord of mine came up with this brilliant idea that when I left her old, ratty apartment, I also left about 700 dollars worth of damages with it. It's just simply a ridiculous accusation that I hardly paid any attention to except to return to her a registered letter proving my innocence (minus the screen that my kittens might have scratched...that costs about 20$ to replace)
so that was that. Didn't hear from her again for 3 years, and then one fine morning I went to my mailbox only to find another threatening letter in the mail saying miraculously - and without my knowledge there had been a court date that I had not attended, and that I was now in EVEN BIGGER trouble than before.
Again, another tactic to make me feel like I did something wrong when I didn't. My question to Miss.Leah is WHY? why, if I genuinely thought that I was innocent would I pay you 700$ unless someone from the government forced me to pay you (in which case I would take JAIL over you getting a penny of my good-karma, very scarce paper money stuff).

and my other question is WHY? why are you facebook stalking me and sending me yet another threatening letter SIX YEARS LATER!!!
It's clearly not because you think you have a right, if you did you might have tried doing it the correct way and notifying the "criminal" (that's me) properly so they could have a chance to defend themselves.

anyhooooooo
This has been plaguing me for years. Wondering if Leah is lurking around the corner trying to scare me with her bitter take on life and her monstrous impression of who I am.

I had a couple of thoughts. Bullies - being not those who wait for you after school in the soccer field, just tapping their toes, heavy with anticipation that you will somehow be proven horrific, wrong, shamed in some way, are more the universal version of bitterness that is expressed towards other social interactions instead of being an expression of abuse that they internalize. Leah is a bully - and I gotta just ignore the crap out of her, cause it shows such a sad sad life: older woman stalks young former tenant on facebook, desperate for some satisfaction and supposed "justice". Six years later, she still has nothing to show for years of "I'll show her who's boss!" obsession.

I also came to the conclusion that it is of top priority to me to ensure that I am always being as positive an influence on people I am in contact with as I can be. Not to say I don't yell at my boyfriend out of nowhere and then profusely apologize after, but, in every day life. I want to make sure that what I bring is not a law suit...but a LOVE SUIT...hehe just kidding...I just had to go there for SNL sake.

no I'd like to bring warmth and understanding and love into the world. I have to reject those who seek to destroy that. Ignore, move forward. Wish them the best - hope that they get their heads eventually screwed on properly so that they are able to see the best in people, not the worst.

my use of the word...

So, I'm in Ottawa, and when I'm here I spend a whole lot of extra time listening to the radio. Yesterday morning I happen to come upon an interview with Tom Waitts and he said something that I'm pretty sure was for me directly...he said (and I may have a few words wrong here):

"I don't think truth should be a word that we use. I think truth should always have an 's' at the end." Tom Waitts (on CBC radio)

of course there was more to this. But those few sentences had a huge impact on me. Considering what I've named my blog page, you might have come to realize that I have an attachment to the word. And that abiding by my definition of what that means is in itself a crisis, but dealing with the very abstract nature of the concept on it's own is a whole new crisis that I never thought really mattered to me. I mean, who cares what it actually means...I'm using it the way it feels right to me, so that's all that should matter.

However, the other day my brother started correcting an article I'm writing for Olga's really neat blog called Cuntlove (http://cuntlove.wordpress.com), and I used this term in a way that really made me think I've been taking advantage of it. My brother said something along the lines of what Tom Waitts said. Something like, truth is a loaded word. and it is...but I guess I feel so comfortable with it on my own terms, that I don't really think about what it means to other people when I'm writing.

Just something to think about I guess. My truth means something to me. Maybe I need to make it clear from now on, in all my posts, if you see the word "truth" (which I'm sure you will), let it mean whatever you want it to, and I'll do the same. I will try not to use it in ways that keep it from being abstract.

settling.

Although I love the idea of honesty - I do not practice it daily.Truth and honesty - might be two very different ideas.
one is a practice, and one is a thing.
so - i believe in truth, but do not live with honesty.
There are so many factors and excuses and reasons why. I try to keep truth internal, but it makes honesty in everyday life even more difficult. to be aware that you are not saying EVERYTHING, not reveiling all...
my Nanny use to say "you should always tell the truth, but you don't always have to tell everything"
I need to practice this. But people expect that I will be forever open, that I have minimal secrets, that I want everyone to know most things about me.
I don't think that's true for anyone, and if it is true...probably more so for those who keep their lives and thoughts mostly hidden. Probably as some cathartic release that they hope will make themfeel better in some way.
As time passes, and in the past year or so, I have seen that I have no obligations to anyone. My obligations lie in passions, and love. the kind of love that is not asking, or WANTING, or NEEDING validation...the kind that is just there. The kind that I should be grateful for, andthat I can't quantify.
I have tried to practice truth and honesty in these ways - but naturally circumstances in life have come up where someone's feelings are at stake...where telling the truth might not be the best way - because when it comes to a personal matter...I'm not sure people can really handle any REAL amount of honesty. And the times that I've tried to do so often just leaves someone feeling attacked, or hurt, or confused.
When you build relationships with people, they come to trust the safety of your support and your words. They want truth in theory - but WE as sensitive people can't really handle other people's feelings in a negative way...especially when it has to do with US. People who can do this I think are VERY strong in character and very intelligent.
I think it's valid to not want brutal honesty, but it's not always possible.
Yesterday I thought about people who think that having a long-term relationship,being healthy, wanting a family, and practicing some self-control are simply settling for whats easy.I thought about how I am the most impulsive person I know...and I am not sure those who know me are aware of that. it has gotten me into some insane situations. Then I thought about how all my bad relationships were because I didn't like myself or value myself that much. I thought about those relationships and how the person never came into it thinking I was WORTH as much as I was worth. I liked it at the time, because I couldn't handle someone actually KNOWING me for me,and loving me that way. It seemed ridiculous and impossible - and so I made sure I never had to deal with that and when I did have to deal with that, I didn't much respect the guy because I thought he was crazy or wrong about his feelings...and didn't have a clue.
so yesterday - I realized that being with someone who loves you, who gets you,who gets along with you and makes you CALM and HAPPY - is actually a reflection of how you feel about yourself. And I don't expect people to understand this, or to not have specs of cynicism if they themselves do not feel good about themselves and have not yet let themselves be loved in this way.
It's part of a learning process to be in a functional relationship - and these are the revelations I wish to continue having with or without a relationship.
I know they are not revolutionary - I'm sure books and books have been written on the topic,but for me to come upon it on my own means something...to me.
Truth within is more important to me than honesty outside myself. I do not feel that I owe anything or any explanations that I don't wish to share. But I also do not want to compromise myself by hiding how I feel about things, situations, people.
I want to be a part of a good energy. At the cost of obligation and responsibility, I want to make sure that I am being true to what I love and what makes me feel passion, and what keeps me calm and happy, without thinking about how other people feel.

This has been easier and easier in the past few years. Thankfully.

decisions decisions...

I have rules in order to stay on the functioning side of reality. I had to make them when I was 23 because I broke all the rules that year and decided that whatever I felt, no matter how grandiose, or dark, or impulsive, or damaging, this was what I was suppose to feel and therefore, I should face it full on. I had been reading many books on Yoga and meditation, and I couldn't exactly figure out how to reach this plain of consciousness, but I knew that I felt similar in subconscious ways and I figured I would forge my own path to getting enlightened. I spent hours and hours alone which might be fine for some, but with an "extra extrovert" personality, I wasn't really thinking of how unnatural and abnormal my psyche might find that. I was diagnosed with diabetes type 1 when I had just turned 12, and so naturally, being down, alone all the time, and not feeling physically that great, I thought most often about my limited time on the planet, and my purpose to myself, and my mortality. I felt so removed and so light headed all the time, so scared and full of butterflies, and instead of interpreting this as wrong, I made up my mind that fear was meant to be conquered, and that the only way to do it was to delve deeper into it until I (hopefully) came out on the other side. It was somewhat liberating and exciting. To come home alone after school, smoke a big joint by myself, and write - all the things that people ignore because it's too scary and too existential and it has no answer. The books I had been reading told me there WAS an answer to the meaning of life, and that it was findable. So I had some irrational hope that without any experience, and with very little good energy, I could just find it.


It was an exhausting chunk of time. I feel like it ate away at me, I feel like it was the black hole of despair that took control and had no intention of letting me pass through it. And looking back on it now, I see that I was in no place to have any enlightened adventures of spirituality or evolution.


Eventually - my body gave my mind signals that something was wrong, and at the end of the year - literally on New Years Day...I finally felt like I was completely losing my mind. Nothing was connected anymore, nothing made any sense to me, nothing had meaning, all hope was lost, I went through motions of reality that I felt no connection to, and I broke down completely because not being connected to anyone or anything and being at the mercy of all of these existential realities was driving me literally crazy.


Somehow, my mom and my aunt showed up at my apartment, fed me, held me, and tried to tell me I wasn't crazy. I couldn't leave my house without feeling this sense of fear that was now trickling into the real world..."what if I never get out of this?", "what have I done to myself?", "where did all my love and joy and excitement go?", "what will happen now?" - and more, and deeper thoughts...


I took atavan and watched movies that my dad had brought up with my mom. The movies had to be funny, and light. They could have no subject matter containing anything to do with death, or time travel, or ideas that reminded me of the uncertainty of life. And it's in this state of slow recovery from the depths of my mind, that I started to accept what my brain couldn't handle. I use to spend hours with Chris mulling over the most difficult ideas concerning science, and reality and the universe. When Chris would come and get me for a short outing to a coffee shop and back during this time, I made the rule that there would be no such talk until I felt ready and able to separate myself from it. Months after this happened, I was moving so slowly towards being "normal". I would wait at the bus stop and look around me feeling still so disconnected from the environment, so removed, floating in the air above myself and feeling like an alien on a foreign planet. It really took years to feel like myself again. And myself has fully changed as a result of this.





My learning experience from it all came from something that my mom always made clear and believed in, but that I never really respected....



"Your mind is a fragile organ. You have to learn it, and nurture it. You should never put anything into your head that you will want to take out after...because once it's in there, it doesn't come out."



Now, I'm a firm believer in not censoring yourself...and being open and free to experience and discover all layers of life and spirituality, however, I am also a firm believer in the positive and the negative. I'm a firm believer in knowing ones self, and having a relationship with the self that is not unlike the relationship between two people who love eachother and are invested in supporting and nurturing each other. I have accepted that because of my human nature, I am destined to spend glutonus hours mulling over my own thoughts, and the thoughts of others in relations to me, and that I will always have a certain ego attached to all thoughts. Therefore, I do feel as though I owe it to myself to make sure that this ongoing internal dialogue and analysis of experience is taken GOOD care of.



There are some rules I have come to abide by and remember since 2003:



* don't watch crap. watch things that make you think and feel and that challenge you. Watch things that inspire and things that provoke. Avoid negative energy within media and look for truth and honesty when filtering.



* do not think about life when you're tired. And if you can't help yourself and you're already thinking, stop it somehow (read a book, watch a movie, write, sing, talk) and then sleep.



* don't say or think NEEDLESS negative things about your external environment (including people and circumstance). If they serve a purpose, good, say them and then move on...if they come out of nowhere and have no life or meaning behind them, find their meaning, or reject them.



* always remember how lucky you are. see things like they're new, hear things in harmony with eachother, look at everyday life like it's a piece of art...because it is.



* respect your boundaries and do not compromise them for other people, unless there is a purpose for yourself. You are useless to other people if you are not able to see your limitations and respect them.



* believe in where you are. Own yourself. Do not let people tell you who you are, and where you are in life. let people teach you and inspire you, not judge you.

* always speak as much truth as possible. Be genuine. Allow yourself to have your thoughts.

*(mum) treat yourself as if you were your own child. Do not do or say anything to yourself that you would not do or say to your own children.

There are many more, and I am always aware of them although not always able to comply. I realize that they will change and that they will grow with time. These rules are not restricting, they are liberating. They have made my life since 2003 happier, and healthier, and more authentic than ever before.
I have met so many other people who have had similar experiences with their minds. It is a human experience. My resolve is to continue to seek truth. Truth is infinite and exciting. In it's infinite energy, there are infinite possibilities that make a life experience worth living. In truth, I feel there are no answers, only layers. That makes for a very powerful adventure if you're looking for it. I try to always look around me, stay in the moment, listen to things in harmony with eachother, look at everyday life as though it were a piece of art. And I believe that it is.
There is no reason to squander it. There is nothing in our Western experience with all it's ease and comfort and over abundance, that we should not be trying very hard to go beyond. We all have the time and leisure to do so.

If all of this seems too flaky for you to handle - I have a really good sum up of what exactly I'm trying to say in a nutshell.

When in doubt, take your head out of your ass.

xo

a letter to a special friend...

dear "you"
I'm up early and I've been thinking about you a lot.
I've been thinking of writing something that would not be judged and that I could just write...in my diary - seemed unsatisfying because I have a negative feeling for that diary - because I always write in it in either very enlightened moments, or in times of total despair.
so I thought today I would write to you and see what happens...because I miss you and feel we always have such good things to share with each other - but never get to see each other.
My life is going pretty beautifully - I feel I can't complain...I never really feel as though I can complain because I have so much to be grateful for.
despite my constant anxiety over a number of things, I know that I have been blessed.
just being who I am and having people like you in my life - i feel full of wonder and beauty
that being said; of course things come up - everyday life drama ensues and nothing can stop my ego from being involved in my quest for truth and honesty.
I battle with my body image and I am interested in why this has been such a battle for my whole adult life.
I have never been skinny, and I have never been standard...but still I have unconscious wishes to be someone I am not. In body - and I think in turn, I want to see what happens to my mind when I am graced with a completely different body image and in turn, a probably much different outer reaction to my body.
and then I try to reassure myself that this might be the worst experiment ever and that the ego in me needs to be readjusted because this should not matter in terms of my humanity and my evolution.
and so it goes, it's so true that I must also be grateful for my body and the wondrous things it CAN do, if not look good in American Apparel clothing, it can give and receive many miraculous things including life, and love.
so - I should love this body...but life and ego and media make this hard on a regular basis.
other things - including my relationship has been a source of some anxiety. Not because it's not going well, but because I love these moments of ranting to you by email and not focusing on anything but my goals for the day and my communication with those who are important to me...and maybe I don't necessarily feel like anyone else can be in the same place as me...which I am not sure is an accurate feeling at all.
It could very well be that I will never meet anyone who understands the core of who I am in a way that is as valuable as I see it.
complex and as fragmented.
Narcissism...???
I guess I am devoted to myself...and I'm scared that acting on my CORE that is very focused on others...I will lose that devotion and I really don't want to.
do you ever feel that you were put here on earth to discover and learn and then communicate?
I feel that way often...in these early morning moments...I feel that I was meant to challenge and be challenged to learn and grow in ways that greatly evolve my mind and spirit - to have great revelations and wonderful moments of clarity and to connect with other people's emotions in a way that allows me to understand more and grow further.
I feel that a domesticated relationship that gets too comfortable and easy and that starts planting ideas of marriage and babies in my head is swerving me away from this calling - to act, learn, grow, and then simultaneously communicate as well. (as a side note, I DO want to have babies...and I would love to marry someone in some way – someday)....however,
comfortable can be detrimental no?
comfortable is not what life is...life is too unpredictable to be comfortable...and I feel if I am comfortable then it is a fortress I have created around myself to not let things happen to me, to keep life away from me, or to keep life from happening to me...
so I do not want comfort...wow - these are great revelations of early morning -
i think the only comfort you can have is within yourself...your ideas and experiences...and you have to be comfortable with unpredictable circumstances...you have to be comfortable with the fact that everything changes and that your whole idea of life, love and relationships might change too.
and I am comfortable in that - I just don't want to lose that connection.
what about you? how do you feel about all of this?
xoxoxox
I love you.

It's amazing.
Every fibre of muscle in my body has a recent history of strain.
Physically, I find it disturbing to be aware of that strain and not be capable of any kind of solution.
I think randomly throughout the day that someone is holding back major information from me. Some kind of secret.
Go to a chiropractor?
Get acupuncture?
Daily massages?
Speak to a therapist?
Regular exercise, no more caffeine, no sweetener, no aspartame, Epsom salts?
What is the secret to releasing the stress of life and love from the body?
I will let you know when I figure out what it is. One of my many quests for the near future will be to relieve and conquer this strain before it gets way out of hand.

cliches

When the brain slows down, I think it makes more room for the new.Maybe it releases things that have been suppressed.I'm not sure exactly how it works, but last night during this incredibly insane storm outside my parents' bedroom window...my mind raced,and all my thoughts became cliches of other peoples thoughts.
about the world, about the state of everything and everyone.
to think in cliches more often than not, is a humbling experience.I have this experience often.
Ever since I was able to think independently, which for me was maybe around five or six years old (maybe a bit younger), I have thought consciously of how cliche my thoughts must be.
I always believed someone had beat me to it.
and they probably have every time.
The point may not be to have an original thought.like music, most original ideas do not exist.
if we are all human, and all made up of the same biological matter and most likely the same spiritual material, most of us must be almost as familiar as family. Could be that the whole point of thinking is to think about thinking. To analyse thought and how it relates to other peoples thoughts. How similar, how old, how bonding it may be.
Last night I listened to the rain right after midnight. My lover lay next to me and listened too. I looked out the window and then I lay on my back and thought of all the people who might be in little shacks without real shelter, no central air, no food filling them for extra warmth. How their reality might include violent bouts of nature that I have never even seen before. I wondered how they survive. I wondered how we have survived without punishment from over-use of resources for so long.I predicted the end of comfort in the near future for all of us.I thought of how I might survive a tsunami or a tornado without shelter from the elements. I thought about how a partner may be a form of warmth and comfort, but also an expendable feature that could get cold, die, disappear in a heartbeat. I thought of how I must be either so unlucky to not have the experience of survival like that or so very lucky to never have the need to use any survival instinct.
I thought that if a partner, a friend, a family member is so expendable in other parts of the world, the need to be self-sufficient, to have faith,to recognize and respect nature and it's God-like ability to give birth, and take away life in a moment is something that we may be lacking...something of unmatched value that we do not have the privilege of knowing.
We are scared yes, but we do not succumb. Fear makes people do things to protect themselves and I feel as though we are so use to being protected that we can't see that there really is no use in trying to protect ourselves from death and loneliness.There is only a use in recognizing the value of our safety, and our fleeting loves...that can be taken at any time.

early morning #1

There are two halves of me.
One that loves chaos passionately, that wants only heat, fire, sweat, and loud voices.
This is the one that I feel most connected to. It's more familiar...I've lived with it longer.
It has dictated life for so long that I hardly know how to function without it.
It is inspiring. It's always awake, never afraid, and constantly aware of every feeling and every sense.
It isn't rational.
It seduces others without a fault. It feeds off of them.

The other half is only appearing now. It is reduced, routine, sedate.
It is constantly questioning, analyzing, mistrusting, and screening each experience and each performance.
It is slow and calm and comfortable - and at the same time, so completely lost and worried and scared.
It has no great interest in others, and loves being alone.

Why I cannot mesh these two forces together is a mystery. The greatest challenge would be to have a balance of both - to not damage the core any further by using one over the other.

grabbing, holding, keeping, whispering, wanting, breathing, passion and fleeting bouts of inspiration. These cannot be suppressed. I will not suppress them despite their path of total chaos and destruction. I like chaos. I like destruction.

Sometimes it becomes clear that chaos is using me and keeping me alone, and misunderstood.
This comfort has security I have never experienced.
People understand comfort. They aren't afraid of calm.
They can't easily succumb to passion if there is no garauntee of safety.

entry from 03-21-2008

I realize that going away this year will be incredibly satisfying and exciting. I see how I will be healed in many ways. To live outside of my little box – music on hiatus…a break a lovely get away to be alone and find the hidden part of me that I keep trying to coax out. I don’t know where she went – sometimes she comes out and is misinterpreted…my “dykeish” attitude they called it yesterday at work….aggressive – sure of myself – emotional – capable – steady….still warm and inclusive, but with boundaries…she is in there, she has been seriously suppressed. And I feel like I have betrayed myself in being with him and now I must slowly heal this person inside of me –
And every time I see him…she leaves, hides inside me and mistrusts me again – because he’s there…because she can’t fully come out when he’s there.

In The Beginning

There may be a series of reasons to write a blog. I have an incling of an idea as to why I might have chosen to do so. Writing what needs to be exposed seems like a good enough reason.

Last night I dreamt that I had a tattoo on my left eye. I had commissioned someone to create for me a bright, open, blue eye a-top my eyelid so that when I closed it, it would still remain open. The dream took place in my alternate universe where everything is always familiar and old and grey. I have no memory of who or what went on, only the proud ownership I felt over this new creation.

I woke up on the couch of my parents' tv room wondering if perhaps I had fallen asleep watching some sci-fi program, but I recalled having fallen asleep to "blind date" and figured that my dream probably had little do with fake tits, and an overall obnoxious waste of time.

All morning I've been thinking of my insides. My true self. The full connection I feel to myself in the sense of truth and honesty. The whole point of writing, in order to somehow feel more connected to my outer environment. I am labeled social, positive, and even empathetic, but yet I don't think I've ever felt closer to anyone than I have felt with myself. There is truth spoken within moments of connection and within inspired thoughts between us, truth that is presented in everyday life (our experiences and challenges and accomplishments), and there is this unspoken, unseen truth that can hardly be put into words. So, I have decided that one eye is for interpreting everyday life, one is for communication with others, and one (the one I have come upon in my last dreamstate) just for me.

eventually, I would like to write with two eyes closed, and only one remaining.